For those of you that know me well, understand my conservative nature and my desire to live in a black and white world. Although I am classified as a "millenial", I don't feel I fit the mold most days (However, I did find myself in public wearing yoga pants and drinking a latte this weekend. What in the...). At any rate, feelings and emotions are kept to myself. I have never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve or think about how said sleeve can impact any one else but me.
With more time on the road, I have found myself gravitating toward self-help audio books as opposed to murder mysteries (if you are interested I have a running list that I would love to share). The books focus on identifying fears and triggers in your life, learning to adapt and prepare for the emotions that surface in an effort to be your ultimate best self. They provide a clear cut approach to looking at challenges holistically and using your self confidence to address conflict - in a step 1, step 2, type fashion which is perfect for me. Although I would like to say I do, rarely do I find myself going through the different steps of problem solving. But I have found the books to be thought provoking nonetheless. The most recent book shares insights on identifying the "universe" aka divine power, Godly intervention, etc. in our everyday lives and channeling our thoughts to capitalize on direction from the universe. Now I will admit this sounds very millennial/hippie-like, but I continue to find myself slowing down to experience and grasp situations life, or the universe, presents.
During Thanksgiving my aunt said a lovely prayer blessing our food and our family before we sat down to eat. She let me know before hand that she had a special prayer she had been practicing for Chasen. Thanksgiving was his one year death anniversary. As promised, she led us through a prayer specific to Chasen. She started off the prayer wishing blessings upon him as he celebrates his one year anniversary in heaven. I was glad I had a hand to hold and a warm hug after the prayer to bring me back to reality. What a powerful way to think about his life now. Selfishly I had been stuck thinking, saying, feeling: a year without him here, a year without his laugh, a year without his embrace. My thoughts and energies were focused on my loss, never his gain. It was a complete game changer for me and the heaviness my heart carried that day lightened a little.
About a week later I found myself waiting on my family doctor for my self checkup. As luck would have it a new mother was in labor and my doctor was the woman of the hour. I told the nurse I would grab my computer from my truck and wait for the babe to be delivered. I really enjoy my doctor and was looking forward to the chance to catch up with her. As I walked through the waiting room, I looked into the faces of the people waiting to be seen by their doctor. I wondered why they were here and suddenly felt the familiar wave of emotion coming on. It had been a full year of "healthy" doctor appointments. No infusions, no scans, no surgical recovery stays. Other than my carpal tunnel surgery and extreme soft tissue swelling in my ankle (long story), we had managed to stay out of the hospital and clinic this past year. I reflected on the hours traveling to and from Iowa City, days and weeks in hospital rooms hoping and praying for a positive diagnosis. The silence, the pain, the fear. What hell we were living in. A few hours later my doctor arrived apologizing for her delay. And when I said I didn't mind the wait, I meant every word of it.
This past weekend I was driving home from a work Christmas party lost in my thoughts and an opportunity that lay ahead of me. Listening to my favorite Pandora station thinking about thinking when thinking, I saw a blast of pink light shoot across the sky. How long had it been since I had seen a shooting star? Whatever the span in time, I felt it was the "universe" giving me confidence to trust my gut - which I am learning (in my new found hippie fashion) to be my soul speaking to me. So I made the decision, followed through and not a few hours later I saw yet another blast of green light shoot across the sky. Seriously, two shooting stars in one night? What are the odds?!! Before I could question my awareness to my surroundings, I found a sense of peace and realized I don't have to be in the drivers seat all the time. All I have to do is keep the faith.
One of my best friends gave birth to a sweet baby girl this past week. I am so excited to watch their family grow together. We connected a lot through her pregnancy because like me, she is a planner. The day she went into the hospital, we were talking through different scenarios of labor: how fast she would progress, would her water break, and would she have time to get an epidural. Before she could get too far in the madness I told her to enjoy the anticipation of the unknown. I could feel her exasperation through the phone but I persisted. Looking back, labor was the start of all the "unkowns" as a parent that I am still living today - what sex will the baby be, what will be their first words, when will they walk, and the list goes on. Today, Father Kevin expressed the excitement anticipation has to offer as we wrap up the Advent season. During this time of year we are waiting for the hope, peace, joy and love that our Savior Jesus Christ has to offer. And more importantly, the plans that God has for each and every one of us, provided we can still ourselves to listen.
I know some friends are concerned about this new yoga pants wearing, latte drinking, self-aware Justine. And if I am honest, I question if I riding the line of the millenial hippie. Maybe it is the swelling of emotions that come with the first anniversary, or that the shock of losing Chasen is starting to wear off and I am able to take in life. Either way, I am learning to trust that this is truly part of God's plan for me. In the words of ISU Football coach Matt Campbell, I am learning to trust the process.
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