In sickness and in health

This year has held lots of milestones for my life together with Chasen. Five years of marriage, our sons first birthday, ten years of being a couple, and our first year of living with cancer. The stories, memories, tears we have shared over the last ten years could probably fill a book or two.

November 7 was our official ten year relationship anniversary. Its hard to believe that ten years ago a tall farm boy with dimples asked me out. It wasn't too long after that I knew he was the one I would share my vows with....I just didn't think it would take five years to get there (haha jk Chasen).  In all seriousness, when you are standing before God and the ones you love dearly you vow to love your significant other in good times and bad, in sickness and in health. This year, those words have never been more true.

Each of these experiences requires a different mindset and piece of one's heart. Now we are all human and we learn as we go. No one knows how to handle every situation, or always has the perfect answer. We just pray our spouse has the patience and an open heart to love us back.

I think we can all attest to a time or two where we really didn't "like" our spouse. Maybe alcohol was involved, or we spoke before we thought, or in my case got stuck in the snow three times in one winter. I mean it wasn't like I intentionally drove through the deepest part of a drift, or spun out until I was parked in the garden. (I should mention that it always happened late at night on my way home from a cattlemens banquet, when it was subzero temperatures.)

**For the record a front wheel drive Equinox is a glorified golf cart in the snow.

Anyway, now that I've stated my excuses, I dreaded making that phone call every time.
"Hi"
"Hi? Where are you at?"
"Um, you're not going to believe this, but I'm stuck in the front yard"
"Excuse me?"
"Ya in a snow drift"
Click.

The next minutes, which felt like hours entailed the truck being chained to my car, engines revving and snow flying.

After the snow and our frustrations melted the next morning we were able to keep on loving each other. Every relationship has its strains, and we have been blessed ours have been trivial matters.

This past fall I was lucky enough to have the flu bug twice within three weeks. I mean, seriously?? Having the flu as an adult is painful, having the flu as a parent is agonizing... Mom's you know what I'm talking about.

Lucky for me, my knight in shining armor was able to pull through. As he played with Nolan on the floor, brought me a sprite, and took Nolan trick or treating, I realized how helpless I felt. I wanted to play my role as a mother and wife, but my chills and screaming headache immobilized me to the couch. 

Although it would seem he was playing his role as a dad and husband, my heart was full.

Love when life is good and healthy is easy, fun, and carefree. However my experience has been loving one another during the not so fun times is more powerful, deeper, authentic. However it doesn't come easy. Sometimes it is really easy to get caught up in the moment and forget the blessings that we have shared and overlook the gifts that God continually offers us. This stage of love takes effort, patience, and humility.  Being human, we are no where close to having it perfected, but that is what I'm looking forward to over the next ten years. 

Find the good

Find the Good

Within the last year Chasen and I have become fans of Chip and Joanna Gaines and their HGTV series Fixer Upper. But in all honesty who has not? Their ability to transform old homes into their client’s dreams, while keeping their family values in check is inspiring to many. Plus Chip’s antics and jokes can guarantee a good chuckle or two. As a result of our obsession, I purchased their book The Magnolia Story. After sitting on the shelf for months, I finally had an opportunity to crack it open during our stay at Mercy back in May.  

In the book, Chip and Joanna share the ups and downs of their business and the process of flipping homes. One night in the manic of raising a family and running their business, Joanna realized that she needed to make the switch from survival mode and embrace the crazy life they were living. In other words make the transition to “thrive instead of survive”. This quote has found a way into my heart and mindset over the past few months. Yes, I will admit there are some tough days, where the light at the tunnel seems to not exist and it is a struggle to get through the day. But I have realized that staying under the dark cloud too long blinds one from the joys, happiness, and hope that life can bring. Unfortunately we cannot push rewind on our days, and the weeks pass all too quickly. In switching from surviving to thriving, I have learned to embrace the path God has sent us down and to find the good in every day. Most of the time, the good comes from those around us.

I first met Matthew Burt during his freshman year of college. He was one of my mentees in the Animal Science peer mentor program. Since then, we would run into each other every now and then. I always thought highly of Matthew – probably influenced by the fact that he was a regular at the scheduled mentee-mentor meetings. Later come to find out, it was because I always brought pizza, ha! In all seriousness, over the years I have enjoyed sharing a beer and a conversation with Matthew. Last weekend at the first ISU football game, I thought it was just another beer. But a text from Matthew yesterday proved me wrong. 

Matthew, an avid biker, was gearing up for a 200-mile ride this upcoming weekend. After visiting with our family at the tailgate, he was looking for a way to do some good. Matthew wanted to dedicate his 200-mile ride to Chasen and his battle with cancer, seeking pledges and contributions along the way. Matthew saw it as a way to inspire, encourage and push him to reach his 200-mile goal. 

"Whenever I meet the Stevenson's they ask me how I am doing and how life is on my family farm. It is because of their kindness to me and others that I am so interested in raising money for Chasen's fight. It's not what they have said or done necessarily, but how they have made me feel. I always feel better after seeing them." 

Simply speechless....

Although our cancer journey is just getting started, we have been absolutely humbled by the good graces of family, friends, community members, and even strangers. I have said from the beginning of our cancer journey, God bless small towns and agriculture. These two blessings have provided us one heck of a support network, one that continues to give, continues to push. I cannot imagine going through this journey without one or the other.

When I first told my sister about Matthew’s 200-mile ride, she questioned if that was even physically possible to do in one day. To give some perspective, it is 180 miles from our house to Cascade and a 2.5 hour car ride. To even fathom the energy and perseverance it will take to complete this feat is a struggle. However, I have full faith in Matthew completing this feat. 

As we get closer to Sunday, I hope Matthew’s ride finds a way to inspire you. Whether you send supplies to the areas hit by hurricanes, take your family for a bike ride, or reach out to someone you know is hurting, find a way to do some good. Find a way to help others thrive. We all know that cancer sucks, no doubt about it. However, in trying to find the silver lining, our eyes and our hearts have been exposed to the love, hope, and support of those around us as we continue to fight Chasen’s cancer. And from that perspective, what an amazing blessing we have received.

If you want to follow along on Matthew’s ride, you can find more information on the Facebook event he created by clicking here. Safe travels Matthew and God bless!

Angels everywhere

Lately its been hard for me to put my thoughts to words, but this story is too special to keep for our hearts only.

For those of you that know Chasen and I, you know that we LOVE the Iowa State Fair. We love the food, the entertainment, the livestock shows, the ice cold beer at Stockmans, and most importantly the reunion it creates for family and friends. Since we started dating I bet we have averaged 6 days of fair going, easily. We love the state fair so much that last year I went into labor during the state fair. I told you, we love the fair!

As the state fair rolled closer we began to talk about and plan how state fair would be this year. We knew that Chasen would be fatigued from the treatment he received in Mexico City at the end of July. And as a result, we would need an aggressive parking plan, options for an afternoon snooze, and  likely on grounds transportation. It would be a different fair experience, but we could definitely make it work.

With a camper lined out, I began searching Craigslist for a motorized scooter. There just happened to be a guy in Ottumwa that flipped scooters-refurbished used ones and priced them to sell. It was the perfect scenario and a short drive, but unfortunately we weren't the only ones with the brilliant idea to purchase a scooter for the fair. In the last week he had sold 20, bringing his inventory to a flat 0. I broadened my search and came across one for sale in Cedar Rapids. It was an elderly lady that was offering her late husband's scooter for $600. We visited a bit about the scooter and I arranged for my sister's boyfriend to go check it out later that night.

At about 6 that evening I get a call from my sister, "I am probably going to make you cry." Selfishly I thought to myself, the scooter was already sold by time Beau had got there, or it had electrical problems and he decided not to purchase it. I could never have guessed the news that she had to share.

The lady wanted to give us the scooter for free.  In fact she wouldn't accept any money for it.  Because it was her late husband's she was having a hard time parting with it (he passed away last July). She told Beau that she had prayed to God for the last two weeks that someone that desperately needed the scooter would find it. Once she heard our story, she felt in her heart this is what she needed to do.

God bless her and her broken heart.

At the begining of our cancer journey we had close friends tell us that it would be a beautiful experience. They weren't talking about the trips to the doctors office, or the infusions, or the side effects of the drugs, or the sleepless nights. They were talking about the hope, and love, and generosity we would receive from our friends, family, community, and even strangers. We continue to be humbled by all the support we have received.

God has a funny way of working, as the old saying goes. Just when it feels the wheels are about to fall off, suddenly the road ahead clears up so we can start to move forward again. Every day we realize the blessings that God has put in our life, large or small. We are eternally grateful for those that continue to pray for our family, whether we know them or not, the power of prayer is simply amazing.

Do you believe in signs

When I was in 7th grade our science class spent six weeks learning about songbirds. Yes you read that right. Calls, flight patterns, you name it, we were tested on it. One of our projects in particular was monitoring several bluebird nests during the spring. My grandma Millie drove our group along the North Cascade Road stopping every few miles to check a birdhouse. We held our breath as we opened the side praying a snake would not fall out. After checking the nest, or lack thereof, we would shuffle back to the car, and write our observations as we listened to bird calls on cassette. "The bobwhite.... bob-whiiiiiiiite, bob-whiiiiiiiite".

... I know Nolan will read this one day and I will have to explain to him what a cassette tape is and it makes me cringe. I now know how my parents felt about eight track tapes..

At the time I thought our science teacher was clinically insane. But in retrospect, I am glad we spent time learning about songbirds. I appreciate the fact I can pick out the call of red winged blackbird as I hoe the garden or recognize the difference between a bluebird and a blue jay as they nest in our pine grove.

I also know that when you see a goldfinch, you should consider yourself lucky. The goldfinch is the state bird for Iowa; if you ask Chasen he would say it's the hawkeye.

My grandma Millie loved songbirds too. I remember she would get so excited if a goldfinch was at her feeder or sitting in the lilac bush behind dad's house. Something about seeing that vibrant yellow bird can bring joy on the darkest of days.

I have been lucky to see a goldfinch a time or two in our yard, sometimes a male and a female. But last Saturday was something special. There were at least 30 goldfinches in our backyard. There were so many they looked like dandelions scattered across the lawn. I simply could not believe my eyes! I took a few Snapchat videos and called Chasen to come look. Needless to say my friends probably think I'm 95 and Chasen was less than impressed. Giddy as a school girl I went to grab Nolan to show him but when I got back, they had all disappeared. Shoot, this avian lesson will have to wait another day.

Soon I got a Snapmessage from a friend saying that goldfinches are a good sign, so I began to do some research. Post-biblical legend developed about the goldfinch saying they were a witness to the humiliating march of Jesus carrying the cross to Golgotha. It's natural diet of thorns and thistles is also enlisted in the details of the tale, to emphasize that in the tragedy of Jesus’ torture and execution that even animals bore witness. In ancient European art goldfinches were used to represent the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. The site also talked about goldfinches being a sign of recovery from illness, the raising up of a person out of their sick-bed.

So I ask you, do you believe in signs? I find myself finding hope and joy in simple tasks of every day life. Maybe it is because I am seeking them out or they are signs from God and loved ones watching over us. Either way I am so thankful for my faith and the blessings it shares.

The best we can

Last Friday night I sat in the Dyer Hudson Hall kitchen trying to feed Nolan some unappetizing itty bitty chicken noodle dinner prepared by Gerber. I have heard baby food has come a long way since I was born, but I honestly don't even know if Rex would have ate what was in that cup. After coming to this realization, I folded and resorted to a bottle. You see, right now we are at that transition from baby to little boy. There are thousands of books, blogs, and resources that talk about making this transition seamless. Try one new food a week, offer cereals first, don't feed egg whites, etc. No way is perfect, but I believe as parents we all do the best we can.

As I was sitting in the kitchen, I could feel the space get smaller as the crowd at our Seeds of Hope benefit grew bigger. As I held our baby boy I tried to process why we were even here in the first place... Is my husband really sick? Are these people all here because of us? Did I just see someone from my high school? Is this really happening?!

Even though it was going to be tough, I knew I needed to do a better job embracing the love and hope that was gathering for our family. So I put the bottle down, got up and walked out. I greeted, I hugged, I cried, I laughed, and I repeated. By no means did I get to everyone that came, but I tried my best.

Friday was truly one of the most remarkable nights of my life. We were so overwhelmed by the number of people that gathered at Dyer Hudson; some say it was over 1,000. All I know is that we were over fire code. Simply put, if we could capture the love, kindness, and hope in that wood paneled hall, there is no doubt we could change the world.

We go through life meeting folks through work, school, leadership roles, and the occasional night out. We try our best to be kind, be humble, be honest, and to be a good person when meeting people. Never did we expect those acquaintances to give back to us in such a way. With humility and God's grace we are embracing all the feels from Friday night.

Even yet, there are no words, no emotions, or no hugs big enough to thank our friends, our family and our community. But I am going to try my best.

To those that traveled hours to be with us, I want you to know every mile was worth it. Thank you to everyone that donated auction items. Your generosity brought joy and excitement to the room. Those that bid on the auction items, whether successful or not, thank you for your financial support. To the volunteers and organizers, we are eternally grateful for your support now and always. Finally, thank you to our close friends and family, your unconditional love is inspiring.

You all did the best you could last Friday evening, and we are forever grateful. Encouraging us to keep pushing and searching for answers, supporting our family through the auction, keeping our family in your prayers, and most importantly offering hope. Thank you sincerely from the bottom of our oh so full hearts.

The game of life

I originally started this blog back while in graduate school as an effort to share my story. That's where the farmers gal originated from. Experiences on the farm, trial and error in the lab, or new beef recipes shared with family, friends, and anyone willing to learn something new or have a good chuckle. A lot of things have changed in my life in the past five years. My bound thesis along with my diploma now sits on the shelf collecting dust. The engagement ring that adorned my finger now carries a wedding band every day. And our family of 2.5-yes Roxie is included-has now grown to 3.5 with the birth of our son Nolan this past August. It is hard to fathom that five years have gone by since my last post.

They say that pictures are worth a thousand words, but what about capturing your thoughts, doubts, fears, hopes, and dreams through writing. I could kick myself for not keeping up with the past-time of blogging. Looking back, I missed out on sharing the joys, laughter, and memories of the last half decade...a half decade?!?! (I still can't believe it). But as we know life doesn’t slow down, life shows no pity or remorse, and offers no redos. In the words of Tracy Lawrence, time marches on.

At this time of my life I am not even sure writing will help portray the thousands of thoughts fleeting through my brain, but I am going to try my best. It's been a little over a month since we learned Chasen was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Remember those 15 consecutive days of cloud cover in March?? Ya that's when we found out, talk about a sign from above. Those were definitely some dark days, but we know the sun will shine again. Since that time we have started Chasen's treatment plan but we continue to search for answers and hope for healing.

Cancer was a card we were certainly not prepared for at this time of our lives, the joker in the deck. But knowing that God holds the cards, we pray. We ask for strength, we ask for courage, we ask for patience, and we ask for humility. We give thanks for the days we are able to spend with each other and for the love and support from family, friends, and strangers. We ask for forgiveness. We ask for Gods mercy.

I have prayed for many things in my life - to pass an exam, get a new job offer, even to avoid a speeding ticket. Looking back some of my prayer requests were quite petty, and I know I am going to have to go all in on this one.

Tomorrow our friends, family, and community will rally to support Chasen and our fight against cancer. We pray that God will be with everyone as they travel and that we can lift up Chasen, sewing seeds of hope. We are far from folding, but realize it will be a rough road ahead. The way I see it, it will be just another chapter of our story.