What is it about winter that makes everything seem harder. The longer days and cold nights crush my eating habits, exercise regime, morning routine, the whole gamut. The exhaustion of going outside to move snow enough to clean your driveway, or in some cases feed and bed livestock only to go back out and do it all over again in a few hours. The only season where weather can ruin weekend getaway plans or in the case of this year, work day plans too. You all know what I'm talking about.
During the dark evenings the past four months brought, I had a lot of time to reflect. And to me, this winter was a lot like Chasen's cancer journey. We had "heard" of close family and friends that went through a similar experience - the trips to treatment, the relentless pain, the change in lifestyle, etc. But in no way were we prepared for the freight train that rolled through our home in March of 2017. This winter was long and brutal with several snow storms that brought in spouts of bone-chilling cold, ripping winds, and mountains of snow. To me these blizzards were similar to the appointments where we didn't receive such good news about Chasen's prognosis, or the spurring of an emergency surgery. Sure, one could complain about the blizzards as they rolled in and the challenges they created in their personal lives, but it didn't make the winter any easier. At some point, we were all just trying to just survive. Get through to the next day.
About halfway through March, we all were thinking: When will this end? When will we be saved from the throes of this winter season? Will there be a spring?
And then just like that, we made the transition. New life was revealed to us. As the grass greens and flowers spring up from the barren soil we are reminded of the resurrection that spring has to offer this world. After such a dormant and depressing season, life comes back to us in such a beautiful way. One God created with us in mind. An attempt to reveal the promise of hope.
This spring I am learning about the resurrection of my life after cancer and working my way towards being whol-ish again. Just like the snow that has melted away, the rawness of grief and loneliness are beginning to fade - although not completely gone. I continue to find more joy and happiness in each day, but yet in a different way than before. Almost like a part of my heart remains empty, like a sunken pit. One that will remain for eternity. A pit that I don't mind carrying. I remember the first time that I legitimately felt joy, since Chasen's passing. It was welcoming, exhilarating, and bizarre in it's own way. I almost felt ashamed for experiencing happiness again, and patiently waited until it revealed itself to me once more. In finding happiness anew, I have realized that once what was taken for granted, is anticipated, welcomed and relished. There are still days that are really hard. The loneliness, the emptiness, the unknown, surrounds me and fills our home. But knowing that I can experience happiness, makes those tough days a bit easier.
Aside from personal resurrection, I have found hope in the promise of new life, one that is unknown to us on this earthly realm. Chasen endured so much during his cancer journey. More than any of us will ever know unless we are burdened with that cross. The pain, the fear, the anger, the inquisition. Most of what he carried in his heart, sparing those he loved.
This Lenten season we have been working on building our relationship with Jesus in our home-how can he be a bigger part of our lives outside of daily prayer. As I read stories and watch videos with Nolan, it inspires me how similar Chasen's journey was to that of our Savior. He carried such a heavy cross, and in the end he knew he would have to endure incomprehensible pain to experience the unimaginable, the unknown, the resurrection. Christ had the ability to come back and reveal himself to his disciples to give them hope in life after death. Although Chasen has not revealed himself to this world fully, I find comfort knowing that he is healed and the best of himself with our Lord.
I have read a few books on heaven and it sounds like a remarkable place that we all will get to experience some day. But until then, I am challenged to continue to carry the cross of grief and fully experience my personal resurrection on this earth.
