The Christmas season is filled with sights, sounds, smells,
and full of memories. I have learned over the years that the meaning of Christmas
has changed for me, in an organic sort of way. Christmas as a child was filled
with wonder-Santa, elves, reindeer, and the manger scene. We would spend
Christmas Eve at mass listening to the children’s choir sing tidings of joy, to
rush home and find that Santa had arrived. We would spend the evening playing
with toys and enjoying sweet treats. Christmas day was spent traveling to the
Hosch and Knepper Christmases. We would bring our new toys to “show and tell”,
but not share because we didn’t want them to be broken. More presents would be
opened and additional sweet treats consumed. At that time of my life Christmas
was understood as a season of “receiving”.
Over the course of the next few years I remember drawing
names at various family events and using my hard-earned cash to buy gifts that
no one really needed. It was fun buying gifts for family members and a thrill
to participate in the next Secret Santa. But over time, the allure of the
holiday craze began to fade. Was “gifting” all there was to Christmas? Sure, I
went to church and celebrated the birth of Jesus, but the commercialization of
Christmas was making me egg-nogged. Little did I know; the Christmas of 2015
would change everything for me.
The first year we were married we hosted a friends and
family Christmas party at our home. We welcomed friends to our home to feast
and enjoy a few libations. This tradition continued through the years and grew
in attendance. I remember our 2015 Christmas party very well. An hour before
our guests would show up Chasen began mixing drinks, “practicing” as he called
it. Before I ordered my moscow mule, I decided I better take a pregnancy test, just to
be sure. To my delight and utter surprise it showed a positive result. I took
another. Same result. I ran the test to Chasen and we shared a brief moment of
joy, then came up with a plan B for my drink for the evening. After our guests
had gone home and the reality of our little blessing set in, we looked at
Christmas in a new light. This Christmas we celebrated the gift of true “joy”.
Our first Christmas as a family of three was special. We smiled
as Nolan looked at our Christmas tree with wonder. We spent lots of time in the
car traveling to Christmases where he was spoiled with clothes, presents, and
love. I remember rocking Nolan to bed one-night
listening to Christmas music-my favorite. When “Mary did you know” came on, I
listened intently to the lyrics and burst into tears. Do you think she really
knew? Was she aware at the point in time, filled with joy and happiness, the
path that God laid out for her precious babe? I tried to put myself in Mary’s
shoes. Holding this sweet boy of ours as he breathed in and out, I thought
about his future. Yes I loved him, but I don’t think I could come close to the
love Mary had for the son of God. To carry a child for nine months, birth him
in a stable, and watch him die on the cross to save the lives of others. The
Christmas of 2016 showed me the precious gift of “love”.
Shortly after that Christmas Chasen began to not feel like
himself-continued weight loss, intensified back pain, and loss of appetite.
Appointment after appointment, test after test, our fear and worry continued to
grow. In March we learned that these were the side effects of Chasen’s cancer.
Our world was shattered. How would we get through this dark period of time?
Endure this pain? And that is when all of you came into play. With a remarkable
Seeds of Hope benefit that April, we were filled with courage, love, and hope.
Throughout that year we traveled to chemo appointments, endured a few surgeries
and recoveries, and traveled out of the country to receive treatment. Time
flew. As Christmas 2017 approached we felt that giving material gifts would
bring little joy and meaning to our family. So instead we gave to the cancer
families spending the Christmas season at the Ronald McDonald House and Hope
Lodge of Iowa City. We were so blessed to sleep in the comfort of our homes
during Chasen’ treatments and could not fathom being away from our family and
farm. This Christmas I learned the true meaning of “giving”.
So where does that leave me for this Christmas season? The last few days Chasen was home with us, I spent time decorating the home to look and hopefully feel like a "normal" Christmas for us. Lights, glitter, and smells aside, it was not normal. As I put up the tree , the lights, and the glitter, I thought about when I would have to put everything away. I know now I will have to do it all alone, boxing up all decorations and finding a home for all the new toys. I realize our home on Christmas morning will feel very different. No doubt will there sadness, loneliness, and emptiness. But I hope I can find joy in the promise of the resurrection-the feat Jesus completed when he was born some 2000 years ago in a stable. The feat Chasen completed a few weeks ago-suffering, enduring, and rising from the dead. I have always "celebrated" the birth of Jesus during Christmas, but this year I can confidently say I am truly grateful for the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ and his resurrection, the gift of "promise".
Sometimes we don't always understand the plans the Lord has for us, and the path he has laid out for us can be difficult to travel. Thankfully we don't have to go it alone. With strength, courage, and love and support from others, we can face anything. Merry Christmas to you and yours.
So where does that leave me for this Christmas season? The last few days Chasen was home with us, I spent time decorating the home to look and hopefully feel like a "normal" Christmas for us. Lights, glitter, and smells aside, it was not normal. As I put up the tree , the lights, and the glitter, I thought about when I would have to put everything away. I know now I will have to do it all alone, boxing up all decorations and finding a home for all the new toys. I realize our home on Christmas morning will feel very different. No doubt will there sadness, loneliness, and emptiness. But I hope I can find joy in the promise of the resurrection-the feat Jesus completed when he was born some 2000 years ago in a stable. The feat Chasen completed a few weeks ago-suffering, enduring, and rising from the dead. I have always "celebrated" the birth of Jesus during Christmas, but this year I can confidently say I am truly grateful for the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ and his resurrection, the gift of "promise".
Sometimes we don't always understand the plans the Lord has for us, and the path he has laid out for us can be difficult to travel. Thankfully we don't have to go it alone. With strength, courage, and love and support from others, we can face anything. Merry Christmas to you and yours.
