Climbing Mountains

Choices, throughout our life we have plenty of opportunities to make them. Some big, some small, either way, they all have an effect on the way we experience life. Have you ever felt like you were standing on the top of Mt. Everest, too terrified to move, but knowing that someway, somehow you needed to get back down to sea level? Which routes are available? Which route will you choose?

If you ever find yourself there, you may notice the marker I left to stake my claim. I've also been to Mount Olympus, Mount Fuji and K2. All at the top, wondering how in the heck I am going to get down back to safety. What route do I choose? Oh, did I mention I am afraid of heights?

Type A individuals are described as "outgoing, ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status-conscious, sensitive, impatient, anxious, proactive, and concerned with time management". AKA planners. For those of you that have known me for sometime, know how much of a planner I am. Phone calls I need to make, errands that need run, plans for after work (except dinner, ha!), and weekends for the next month, were all identified before I left the house most mornings. I had a 6 month plan for my 5 year plan, and a 5 year plan for my 10 year plan. Every choice I made, I was aware of the consequences and outcomes. I was a rigid, ambitious, proactive planner with everything in my life mapped out. The best route down the mountain if you will. But in March of 2017 when we learned of Chasen's cancer diagnosis my map went up in smoke, and I was lost in so many ways.

I found myself struggling with the loss of "control" I thought I had over my life. The realization that I could not effectively produce my five year plan, let alone my six month plan - even if I made the best decision every time - screamed defeat. Instead of working towards our six month goals, I was wondering what the next 24 hours would bring for our family most days. Living in such a concealed world was so foreign and lonely. I found myself praying for some consistency and certainty in my life. I often found it in the love and strength of my family, friends, teammates, and community members. We were so blessed to have an amazing support system to help us navigate through such a challenging time in our lives, guides for our mountain climb.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. We may not see the fruits of the challenges or decisions until weeks, months, or even years after we climbed down that mountain. It's pretty amazing to stand at the top of my mountain today and look at what I have gone through in the past nine months, heck even 3 weeks! I could have never predicted myself to be in this moment. As I continue to adjust to this new lifestyle - being ready for the unknown instead of "knowing" what's next - I find myself thinking "what's the rush, I got time to figure this out". In type A fashion, it totally freaks me out not knowing what my life will truly look like 6 months from now. But at the same time it is a little exciting. I am learning to trust in the plan that God has for me, instead of focusing on the plan I have for myself. I am learning to embrace the unknown.

Over the course of the last three years, I have had to learn how to adapt to what happens to me. As humans it is our nature to maintain a constant. Just look at any child and how they innocently react when their schedule is thrown off for the day. When we feel safe and comfortable life is good. We are content. What need is there to step out of our bubble, it is our happy place. But sometimes we are forced out of our bubble by things beyond our control, and when an opportunity comes up likely the choice to participate pushes us out of that bubble. How do we adapt, how do we react?

Being open and ready for change is not something that happens over night. BELIEVE ME. It is a change in mindset, a change in expectations, a choice in how we handle what happens to us. Now hear me out, I am no self-proclaimed expert, but I know I am more adaptable than I was a year ago and certainly five years ago. I am learning slowly, that sometimes it's not the destination, but it is the journey that makes life worth living. I don't think I will ever leave my type A ship, but I may spend a little time riding outside of the wake.

God has provided us with freewill, hope, joy, sadness and pain, in an effort to perfect us here on this earth. It is all about how we adapt to those curses, blessings, or change that make us who we are. And if we have an opportunity to help someone else down their mountain, we are really doing the work of His hands.

If you ever find yourself at the top of a mountain, make sure to stake your claim too. Enjoy the breathtaking view God provides and the wonderful blessing freewill offers to us. A chance to choose freely. Then when you get back down to sea level, or find yourself on another mountain all you have to do is have faith you can do it again.

A Love for the Land

For me I guess it goes all the way back to my childhood. Falling asleep to the combine humming across the field. Waking to the chore tractor coming down the lane, the lights shining in through the blinds of my bedroom window. Smelling the grain dust on dad's jacket as he would come in to tell us goodnight. Watching a ewe care for and love her lamb seconds after it hit the ground. A love for the land, a passion for taking care of livestock, and the desire to want to raise my family on the farm.

Well, here I am 25 years later attempting to do just that. Along with all the joys that come with farming, I also have the privilege to work with farmers as a part of my career. It is no secret that the farm economy right now is in pretty tough shape. Commodity markets have been trading sideways for months, input and interest costs continue to rise, and the weather has presented some challenges to our friends to the north and west. The USDA predicts net farm income will drop 8.3% in 2018 causing farmers to use their cash reserves and refinance farm ground just to plant and harvest another crop. We are no where near the 80's farm crisis "bad", but the morale in the countryside is not so good. So why are we gearing up for another round? Putting seed in the ground, with little to no measurable rainfall in the forecast and no deal sealed with China. Wouldn't a job in town be easier? Wouldn't a job in town be safer?

Paul Harvey's famous "So God Made a Farmer" speech and countless country songs have attempted to tell the story of the farmer - why we do what we do, and love the heck out of it. To my city friends, I have a hard time telling them the why, what, and how we do. I often feel like I don't have the words to give farming the justice it deserves - in the words of FarmersOnly "city folks just don't get it". But from their perspective it does sound ludicrous - no monthly wage, benefits, or bonuses, long hours working outside in the dust and sometimes manure, late nights and early mornings, all just to lose money (from a tax return perspective of course). I often find myself using the words: "There is just something about owning land, that is like nothing else." And then we quickly find some common ground to discuss. 

It hit me hard the other night as I traveled down our road, on my way home from supper with friends. I spotted lights in the field behind our house, just before the little eyes in the backseat spotted them. Upon seeing the lights I was filled with excitement that the spring farming season has to offer. The promise of a change in landscape from bare dirt to green vegetation, the smell of soil and freshly cut hay, the potential of "the best crop yet". I had seen these lights a handful of times at our farm, which brought on other experiences - rides in the tractor after delivering supper to Chasen, late nights in the house alone, and a waking kiss on the forehead when he got home after putting in an 18 hour day. The lights in the field signal the busyness of the season upon us.

As I continued down the road, I realized how different this spring would be, and honestly all the springs from here on out. No longer would I get to share that enjoyment, take another round, or wait up for Chasen. This spring will not be easy. As soon as the tears welled up in my eyes the voice behind me piped up "Tractor mom, putting on anhydrous." His timing was impeccable...Nolan has a way of doing that.

On Easter day, we spread some of Chasen's ashes on our farm. This was one of his final requests. To be cremated and mixed with the soil on the farm we purchased as a newly married couple. To be on the farm we would some day transition to Nolan. As we lay his ashes into the field behind our house, I couldn't help but think about the symbolism behind doing so:

                By the sweat of your brow you shall eat bread,
                Until you return to the ground, from which you were taken;
                For you are dust, and to dust you shall return. (Genesis 3:19)

Maybe this is all I need to understand our love for the land. Dirt is where we come from. It is a part of us, and ultimately our resting place. And how amazing is it that life can grow from this dirt that sustains our bodies? As farmers and farm wives it is our sole job to care for this part of God's creation, while serving others by providing for their families. As a farm mom and farm wife, it is my job to tell Nolan just how important our job is. Through buying seed, turning the wheel, and hopefully breaking even, I hope to pass on this passion, drive, and legacy to him. What a humbling and gratifying way to serve the Lord.

The Resurrection of Spring

Well folks we survived. As a whole, Iowa saw its third-wettest winter in 124 years of records and set some pretty wicked temperature records to boot. It came to a shock to most of us how absolutely brutal this winter was. However, I thought it was interesting that The Farmers' Almanac predicted a "teeth-chattering cold" with "plentiful snow" in its Midwest 2018-19 winter outlook. Maybe I should put more stock into that resource... But sometimes in life we have to go through experiences to actually learn from them, rather than just being told about it.

What is it about winter that makes everything seem harder. The longer days and cold nights crush my eating habits, exercise regime, morning routine, the whole gamut. The exhaustion of going outside to move snow enough to clean your driveway, or in some cases feed and bed livestock only to go back out and do it all over again in a few hours. The only season where weather can ruin weekend getaway plans or in the case of this year, work day plans too. You all know what I'm talking about.

During the dark evenings the past four months brought, I had a lot of time to reflect. And to me, this winter was a lot like Chasen's cancer journey. We had "heard" of close family and friends that went through a similar experience - the trips to treatment, the relentless pain, the change in lifestyle, etc. But in no way were we prepared for the freight train that rolled through our home in March of 2017. This winter was long and brutal with several snow storms that brought in spouts of bone-chilling cold, ripping winds, and mountains of snow. To me these blizzards were similar to the appointments where we didn't receive such good news about Chasen's prognosis, or the spurring of an emergency surgery. Sure, one could complain about the blizzards as they rolled in and the challenges they created in their personal lives, but it didn't make the winter any easier. At some point, we were all just trying to just survive. Get through to the next day.

About halfway through March, we all were thinking: When will this end? When will we be saved from the throes of this winter season? Will there be a spring?

And then just like that, we made the transition. New life was revealed to us. As the grass greens and flowers spring up from the barren soil we are reminded of the resurrection that spring has to offer this world. After such a dormant and depressing season, life comes back to us in such a beautiful way. One God created with us in mind. An attempt to reveal the promise of hope. 

This spring I am learning about the resurrection of my life after cancer and working my way towards being whol-ish again. Just like the snow that has melted away, the rawness of grief and loneliness are beginning to fade - although not completely gone. I continue to find more joy and happiness in each day, but yet in a different way than before. Almost like a part of my heart remains empty, like a sunken pit. One that will remain for eternity. A pit that I don't mind carrying. I remember the first time that I legitimately felt joy, since Chasen's passing. It was welcoming, exhilarating, and bizarre in it's own way. I almost felt ashamed for experiencing happiness again, and patiently waited until it revealed itself to me once more. In finding happiness anew, I have realized that once what was taken for granted, is anticipated, welcomed and relished. There are still days that are really hard. The loneliness, the emptiness, the unknown, surrounds me and fills our home. But knowing that I can experience happiness, makes those tough days a bit easier. 

Aside from personal resurrection, I have found hope in the promise of new life, one that is unknown to us on this earthly realm. Chasen endured so much during his cancer journey. More than any of us will ever know unless we are burdened with that cross. The pain, the fear, the anger, the inquisition. Most of what he carried in his heart, sparing those he loved. 

This Lenten season we have been working on building our relationship with Jesus in our home-how can he be a bigger part of our lives outside of daily prayer. As I read stories and watch videos with Nolan, it inspires me how similar Chasen's journey was to that of our Savior. He carried such a heavy cross, and in the end he knew he would have to endure incomprehensible pain to experience the unimaginable, the unknown, the resurrection. Christ had the ability to come back and reveal himself to his disciples to give them hope in life after death. Although Chasen has not revealed himself to this world fully, I find comfort knowing that he is healed and the best of himself with our Lord.

I have read a few books on heaven and it sounds like a remarkable place that we all will get to experience some day. But until then, I am challenged to continue to carry the cross of grief and fully experience my personal resurrection on this earth.

Firsts

Firsts in life are something we look forward to, something we document, and often something we boast. They help transition us through the stages of life while bringing on various emotions and creating memories to cherish forever.

First tooth, first birthday, first step. It doesn't seem all that long ago we experienced these firsts with our sweet baby Nolan. His first smile was particularly my favorite. As parents these firsts bring on excitement that our child is growing, developing and taking on their own personality. I am definitely in the early stages of firsts as a parent, but they have been nothing short of exciting. I know over time they will take on a different meaning, likely accompanied by more tears. After all, they are signifying transitions from newborn to toddler to adolescent to teenager to someday an adult. Firsts as a parents teach us about the importance of nurturing life.

First day of school, first ball game, first car. The hype and excitement with firts through a child's eyes is contagious! Some of these firsts come without say - first day of school, first time driving a car, etc. But others may require some encouragement from parents that "yes you really can do this" - first midde school dance, first basketball try out, etc. What I find unique about firsts as a child is that through them we gain independence from our parents. Brought on by trust, love, and joy our parents help us gain confidence in ourselves. Confidence that we can make good choices, that we deserve joy and happiness, and that we can succeed.

First date, first time meeting the family, first home together. Firsts as a couple are unique in that they are experienced with another individual simultaneously. Not one before the other or from their vantage point, but literally side by side. Someone you love, someone you choose to be with, a partner. The range of these firsts is pretty impressive too. From the first time you meet them to the first time you hold your own child, spouses experience so much through their commitment to one another. The intimacy of firsts with a spouse is something special and something to be cherished.

First day without, first holiday, first anniversary. I never thought I would be in this position, nor did I ever imagine all the firsts I would have to do by myself, without my partner. There is no development timeline, no Pic Collage template that prepares you for the firsts as a widow. The thought of going alone can be down right terrifying and depressing. You try to anticipate what people will say to you, what emotions you will experience, and wonder if the subsequent times will get easier.

I had some pretty big firsts this last weekend and I found myself talking about and remembering Chasen at those events.  The Marion County Cattlemen Banquet and Iowa Farm Bureau Young Farmers Conference were a big part of our lives. Events where we celebrated our passion and vocations, and made lifelong friends. This year was different, and I was thankful for the friends and family that embraced my attendance, even if I wasn't whole. Because somewhere in the stress of anticipating going to these events alone, I found happiness last week. True, beaming, warm happiness. It was brief and so strange, but I look forward to finding it again. 

In all the firsts that come your way, whether joyous or terrifying, try to find the luster, the shine, the beauty. The days are getting easier as I learn this life of a widow. I know someday I will find joy and happiness in the anticipation of firsts again, but it will take time. I continue to find comfort in the fact that Chasen was able to experience his first day with the Lord. And I look forward to hearing that story some day.

This Season of Life

Like the rest of the world I am a huge fan of Joanna Gaines. Watching her and Chip work together to serve others, fulfill their passions, and create a lifestyle for their families, all while having fun - who doesn't have that dream?! In her December issue of her magazine, Magnolia Journal she talked about the challenges of having their fifth child at age 40. The additional appointments, extra exhaustion as a mother of 4 already, lifestyle and business shifts, etc. Despite everything that was thrown in their lap with this unexpected surprise, she felt totally prepared for this season of their life. I believe that God is always trying to prepare us for the next season of life. Whether it brings significant change, wrenching heartache, or a wave of blessings, He is constantly preparing us for that moment. Let me share with you my perspective.

Growing up I was a huge tom boy. Like to the point where I wore husky style wranglers because those were the only pants that fit my middle school body and adorned them with ropers (I am literally cringing as I type this, so country!). I loved playing tractors with Chris, was a kick ball star at school, and even caught salamanders and toads and kept them as "pets". I struggled through this part of life - trying to find the happy medium between what I loved and what my friends were all doing. I found somewhat of a saving grace when I started FFA as a freshman and really found a place for myself, feeling comfortable in my own skin. But now looking back, I understand fully why I found joy in all those things that boys do. God was not preparing me to be an active FFA member, but now for life as a single mom with a son. Playing farm, making mud in the sandbox and rough housing during a game of football seem second nature to me. Instead of being embarrassed of my tomboy years as a child I have been given an opportunity to embrace them.

Fast forward to 2016 when we learned we were pregnant with Nolan. At the time I was at the crossroads every working mom experiences - balancing my passion, my career, and being a new mom. I took a leap of faith and started a new job fresh off maternity leave as a Financial Officer. With support from Chasen and all of my teammates I adjusted to the learning curve as best as a post partum mom could offer. Five months into my new job, we learned of Chasen's diagnosis. Without the support of my teammates and customers, I can't imagine what the last two years would have brought. I have no doubt that God placed that opportunity in my life at the perfect time.

A few weeks ago I was at a landowners meeting for work. I found myself sitting next to another widow. During lunch we began to talk about her farm and her relationship with her landowners. Then the conversation switched to me. I told her that I am planning to farm our farm this year, while working full time and raising our son. Her eyes filled with sadness then complete panic "How are you going to be able to do all of that?"  Well to be honest I don't really know, but I feel prepared for this season of life. From growing up on a farm, to my college years at Iowa State, to farming with Chasen, to learning from my customers, all with the help of amazing family and friends God has laid a strong foundation. I never thought I would find myself in this position, but I would like to think Chasen knew I would be prepared for this season of life.

If you find yourself in a difficult season of life, stop take time and reflect on how God has prepared you for this moment. Or on the flip side, trust that he is readying you for another season of life yet to come.  Losing Chasen at age 31 was a huge sacrifice to  all those that loved him. I often find myself in his absence reflecting, praying, asking how I am to move forward as a child of God. And at the end of the day, I find myself wanting to empower others to have courage and strength in their seasons of life.

During Chasen's cancer journey, Joshua 1:9 was a foundation to our faith. I've heard that pain should not be wasted, and I know He will not lead us astray. So whatever life may throw your way, strive to find the blessings in everything that happens to you.

The Gifts of Christmas

The Christmas season is filled with sights, sounds, smells, and full of memories. I have learned over the years that the meaning of Christmas has changed for me, in an organic sort of way. Christmas as a child was filled with wonder-Santa, elves, reindeer, and the manger scene. We would spend Christmas Eve at mass listening to the children’s choir sing tidings of joy, to rush home and find that Santa had arrived. We would spend the evening playing with toys and enjoying sweet treats. Christmas day was spent traveling to the Hosch and Knepper Christmases. We would bring our new toys to “show and tell”, but not share because we didn’t want them to be broken. More presents would be opened and additional sweet treats consumed. At that time of my life Christmas was understood as a season of “receiving”.

Over the course of the next few years I remember drawing names at various family events and using my hard-earned cash to buy gifts that no one really needed. It was fun buying gifts for family members and a thrill to participate in the next Secret Santa. But over time, the allure of the holiday craze began to fade. Was “gifting” all there was to Christmas? Sure, I went to church and celebrated the birth of Jesus, but the commercialization of Christmas was making me egg-nogged. Little did I know; the Christmas of 2015 would change everything for me.

The first year we were married we hosted a friends and family Christmas party at our home. We welcomed friends to our home to feast and enjoy a few libations. This tradition continued through the years and grew in attendance. I remember our 2015 Christmas party very well. An hour before our guests would show up Chasen began mixing drinks, “practicing” as he called it. Before I ordered my moscow mule, I decided I better take a pregnancy test, just to be sure. To my delight and utter surprise it showed a positive result. I took another. Same result. I ran the test to Chasen and we shared a brief moment of joy, then came up with a plan B for my drink for the evening. After our guests had gone home and the reality of our little blessing set in, we looked at Christmas in a new light. This Christmas we celebrated the gift of true “joy”.

Our first Christmas as a family of three was special. We smiled as Nolan looked at our Christmas tree with wonder. We spent lots of time in the car traveling to Christmases where he was spoiled with clothes, presents, and love.  I remember rocking Nolan to bed one-night listening to Christmas music-my favorite. When “Mary did you know” came on, I listened intently to the lyrics and burst into tears. Do you think she really knew? Was she aware at the point in time, filled with joy and happiness, the path that God laid out for her precious babe? I tried to put myself in Mary’s shoes. Holding this sweet boy of ours as he breathed in and out, I thought about his future. Yes I loved him, but I don’t think I could come close to the love Mary had for the son of God. To carry a child for nine months, birth him in a stable, and watch him die on the cross to save the lives of others. The Christmas of 2016 showed me the precious gift of “love”.

Shortly after that Christmas Chasen began to not feel like himself-continued weight loss, intensified back pain, and loss of appetite. Appointment after appointment, test after test, our fear and worry continued to grow. In March we learned that these were the side effects of Chasen’s cancer. Our world was shattered. How would we get through this dark period of time? Endure this pain? And that is when all of you came into play. With a remarkable Seeds of Hope benefit that April, we were filled with courage, love, and hope. Throughout that year we traveled to chemo appointments, endured a few surgeries and recoveries, and traveled out of the country to receive treatment. Time flew. As Christmas 2017 approached we felt that giving material gifts would bring little joy and meaning to our family. So instead we gave to the cancer families spending the Christmas season at the Ronald McDonald House and Hope Lodge of Iowa City. We were so blessed to sleep in the comfort of our homes during Chasen’ treatments and could not fathom being away from our family and farm. This Christmas I learned the true meaning of “giving”.

So where does that leave me for this Christmas season? The last few days Chasen was home with us, I spent time decorating the home to look and hopefully feel like a "normal" Christmas for us. Lights, glitter, and smells aside, it was not normal. As I put up the tree , the lights, and the glitter, I thought about when I would have to put everything away. I know now I will have to do it all alone, boxing up all decorations and finding a home for all the new toys. I realize our home on Christmas morning will feel very different. No doubt will there sadness, loneliness, and emptiness. But I hope I can find joy in the promise of the resurrection-the feat Jesus completed when he was born some 2000 years ago in a stable. The feat Chasen completed a few weeks ago-suffering, enduring, and rising from the dead. I have always "celebrated" the birth of Jesus during Christmas, but this year I can confidently say I am truly grateful for the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ and his resurrection, the gift of "promise".

Sometimes we don't always understand the plans the Lord has for us, and the path he has laid out for us can be difficult to travel. Thankfully we don't have to go it alone. With strength, courage, and love and support from others, we can face anything. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

A Season of Thanksgiving

Even in times of distress we have things to be thankful for.

Another holiday season is upon us. In the words of Luke Bryan “days go slow, but years go fast”. We have had our share of long days in the office, in the hospital, and in the field doing what we love this past year; but as we prepare for Thanksgiving with our boisterous two year old I can’t fathom where the time has gone.  

Have we had frustrations, trying times, and down right depressing moments this last year. You bet. But we also have so much to be grateful for: successful recoveries from Chasen's surgeries, a rock solid company that stands behind their employees, abundant support from family and friends, and loving memories from the past year to name a few

In everything I do, people ask me how Chasen is getting along. During one conversation with a customer, we began to talk about the outpouring of love and support at the Seeds of Hope benefit this last year.

“I came to the benefit because I wanted to support your family. You know Justine, that is what is wrong with the world. We have got away from people helping people through churches or mission work, and instead they have turned to the government and we are funding handouts through taxes.”

In my current and past job roles, I have heard many a complaint about paying taxes, but this was a new spin on a typical conversation and it got me thinking. The Lord did not put on us on this planet to wear the newest pair of Tony Llamas, or drive the newest King Ranch pickup, or buy 200 acres of ground every year. We were put on this earth solely to serve one another and to glorify God.

But humility is a funny thing. It can prevent us from asking for help, or even accepting help when offered. Why did God create the human with these two instinctive natures? How can we break this cycle? We have to actively look for opportunities and pray for acceptance.

This has been one of the biggest challenges for Chasen and I. We are such independent people that forge our own path, that asking for directions or help with a refuel is tough. But down this road we learned that we can't-nor do we have to- do everything alone.

When we are hit with hard news or face another uphill battle, those that seem to wear those boots, drive that truck, and buy that farm ground with no struggle or strife creep into my mind. And the “life’s not fair” wagon tries to pick me up and whisk me away. Where are their challenges? What pain do they experience? How is this fair? And although these thoughts are natural, because we are human, they can be so damaging to dwell on. 

For those that are in my shoes, do not be discouraged by the appearance of life of others. There will be those that struggle through life with disease, addiction, and financial insecurity. Rest assured "the others" will be the individuals that serve us and during our times of need. They will help carry our crosses.

For all of those who picked up our cross this past year, we cannot say it enough, thank you! Whether you helped out on the farm, wrote kind words to our family, delivered a hot meal, or kept us in your daily prayers, we are forever grateful. Are we going through a trying time in our young lives? Without a doubt. But have we had opportunities to be grateful, blessed, and thankful for the love and support of others? Absolutely.  

As Thanksgiving comes and goes and we prepare for the Christmas season I would ask for you to take an opportunity to serve others, whatever that may be. And those that are on the other side of the coin, allow others to serve you.