Firsts

Firsts in life are something we look forward to, something we document, and often something we boast. They help transition us through the stages of life while bringing on various emotions and creating memories to cherish forever.

First tooth, first birthday, first step. It doesn't seem all that long ago we experienced these firsts with our sweet baby Nolan. His first smile was particularly my favorite. As parents these firsts bring on excitement that our child is growing, developing and taking on their own personality. I am definitely in the early stages of firsts as a parent, but they have been nothing short of exciting. I know over time they will take on a different meaning, likely accompanied by more tears. After all, they are signifying transitions from newborn to toddler to adolescent to teenager to someday an adult. Firsts as a parents teach us about the importance of nurturing life.

First day of school, first ball game, first car. The hype and excitement with firts through a child's eyes is contagious! Some of these firsts come without say - first day of school, first time driving a car, etc. But others may require some encouragement from parents that "yes you really can do this" - first midde school dance, first basketball try out, etc. What I find unique about firsts as a child is that through them we gain independence from our parents. Brought on by trust, love, and joy our parents help us gain confidence in ourselves. Confidence that we can make good choices, that we deserve joy and happiness, and that we can succeed.

First date, first time meeting the family, first home together. Firsts as a couple are unique in that they are experienced with another individual simultaneously. Not one before the other or from their vantage point, but literally side by side. Someone you love, someone you choose to be with, a partner. The range of these firsts is pretty impressive too. From the first time you meet them to the first time you hold your own child, spouses experience so much through their commitment to one another. The intimacy of firsts with a spouse is something special and something to be cherished.

First day without, first holiday, first anniversary. I never thought I would be in this position, nor did I ever imagine all the firsts I would have to do by myself, without my partner. There is no development timeline, no Pic Collage template that prepares you for the firsts as a widow. The thought of going alone can be down right terrifying and depressing. You try to anticipate what people will say to you, what emotions you will experience, and wonder if the subsequent times will get easier.

I had some pretty big firsts this last weekend and I found myself talking about and remembering Chasen at those events.  The Marion County Cattlemen Banquet and Iowa Farm Bureau Young Farmers Conference were a big part of our lives. Events where we celebrated our passion and vocations, and made lifelong friends. This year was different, and I was thankful for the friends and family that embraced my attendance, even if I wasn't whole. Because somewhere in the stress of anticipating going to these events alone, I found happiness last week. True, beaming, warm happiness. It was brief and so strange, but I look forward to finding it again. 

In all the firsts that come your way, whether joyous or terrifying, try to find the luster, the shine, the beauty. The days are getting easier as I learn this life of a widow. I know someday I will find joy and happiness in the anticipation of firsts again, but it will take time. I continue to find comfort in the fact that Chasen was able to experience his first day with the Lord. And I look forward to hearing that story some day.