The Gifts of Christmas

The Christmas season is filled with sights, sounds, smells, and full of memories. I have learned over the years that the meaning of Christmas has changed for me, in an organic sort of way. Christmas as a child was filled with wonder-Santa, elves, reindeer, and the manger scene. We would spend Christmas Eve at mass listening to the children’s choir sing tidings of joy, to rush home and find that Santa had arrived. We would spend the evening playing with toys and enjoying sweet treats. Christmas day was spent traveling to the Hosch and Knepper Christmases. We would bring our new toys to “show and tell”, but not share because we didn’t want them to be broken. More presents would be opened and additional sweet treats consumed. At that time of my life Christmas was understood as a season of “receiving”.

Over the course of the next few years I remember drawing names at various family events and using my hard-earned cash to buy gifts that no one really needed. It was fun buying gifts for family members and a thrill to participate in the next Secret Santa. But over time, the allure of the holiday craze began to fade. Was “gifting” all there was to Christmas? Sure, I went to church and celebrated the birth of Jesus, but the commercialization of Christmas was making me egg-nogged. Little did I know; the Christmas of 2015 would change everything for me.

The first year we were married we hosted a friends and family Christmas party at our home. We welcomed friends to our home to feast and enjoy a few libations. This tradition continued through the years and grew in attendance. I remember our 2015 Christmas party very well. An hour before our guests would show up Chasen began mixing drinks, “practicing” as he called it. Before I ordered my moscow mule, I decided I better take a pregnancy test, just to be sure. To my delight and utter surprise it showed a positive result. I took another. Same result. I ran the test to Chasen and we shared a brief moment of joy, then came up with a plan B for my drink for the evening. After our guests had gone home and the reality of our little blessing set in, we looked at Christmas in a new light. This Christmas we celebrated the gift of true “joy”.

Our first Christmas as a family of three was special. We smiled as Nolan looked at our Christmas tree with wonder. We spent lots of time in the car traveling to Christmases where he was spoiled with clothes, presents, and love.  I remember rocking Nolan to bed one-night listening to Christmas music-my favorite. When “Mary did you know” came on, I listened intently to the lyrics and burst into tears. Do you think she really knew? Was she aware at the point in time, filled with joy and happiness, the path that God laid out for her precious babe? I tried to put myself in Mary’s shoes. Holding this sweet boy of ours as he breathed in and out, I thought about his future. Yes I loved him, but I don’t think I could come close to the love Mary had for the son of God. To carry a child for nine months, birth him in a stable, and watch him die on the cross to save the lives of others. The Christmas of 2016 showed me the precious gift of “love”.

Shortly after that Christmas Chasen began to not feel like himself-continued weight loss, intensified back pain, and loss of appetite. Appointment after appointment, test after test, our fear and worry continued to grow. In March we learned that these were the side effects of Chasen’s cancer. Our world was shattered. How would we get through this dark period of time? Endure this pain? And that is when all of you came into play. With a remarkable Seeds of Hope benefit that April, we were filled with courage, love, and hope. Throughout that year we traveled to chemo appointments, endured a few surgeries and recoveries, and traveled out of the country to receive treatment. Time flew. As Christmas 2017 approached we felt that giving material gifts would bring little joy and meaning to our family. So instead we gave to the cancer families spending the Christmas season at the Ronald McDonald House and Hope Lodge of Iowa City. We were so blessed to sleep in the comfort of our homes during Chasen’ treatments and could not fathom being away from our family and farm. This Christmas I learned the true meaning of “giving”.

So where does that leave me for this Christmas season? The last few days Chasen was home with us, I spent time decorating the home to look and hopefully feel like a "normal" Christmas for us. Lights, glitter, and smells aside, it was not normal. As I put up the tree , the lights, and the glitter, I thought about when I would have to put everything away. I know now I will have to do it all alone, boxing up all decorations and finding a home for all the new toys. I realize our home on Christmas morning will feel very different. No doubt will there sadness, loneliness, and emptiness. But I hope I can find joy in the promise of the resurrection-the feat Jesus completed when he was born some 2000 years ago in a stable. The feat Chasen completed a few weeks ago-suffering, enduring, and rising from the dead. I have always "celebrated" the birth of Jesus during Christmas, but this year I can confidently say I am truly grateful for the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ and his resurrection, the gift of "promise".

Sometimes we don't always understand the plans the Lord has for us, and the path he has laid out for us can be difficult to travel. Thankfully we don't have to go it alone. With strength, courage, and love and support from others, we can face anything. Merry Christmas to you and yours.