Firsts

Firsts in life are something we look forward to, something we document, and often something we boast. They help transition us through the stages of life while bringing on various emotions and creating memories to cherish forever.

First tooth, first birthday, first step. It doesn't seem all that long ago we experienced these firsts with our sweet baby Nolan. His first smile was particularly my favorite. As parents these firsts bring on excitement that our child is growing, developing and taking on their own personality. I am definitely in the early stages of firsts as a parent, but they have been nothing short of exciting. I know over time they will take on a different meaning, likely accompanied by more tears. After all, they are signifying transitions from newborn to toddler to adolescent to teenager to someday an adult. Firsts as a parents teach us about the importance of nurturing life.

First day of school, first ball game, first car. The hype and excitement with firts through a child's eyes is contagious! Some of these firsts come without say - first day of school, first time driving a car, etc. But others may require some encouragement from parents that "yes you really can do this" - first midde school dance, first basketball try out, etc. What I find unique about firsts as a child is that through them we gain independence from our parents. Brought on by trust, love, and joy our parents help us gain confidence in ourselves. Confidence that we can make good choices, that we deserve joy and happiness, and that we can succeed.

First date, first time meeting the family, first home together. Firsts as a couple are unique in that they are experienced with another individual simultaneously. Not one before the other or from their vantage point, but literally side by side. Someone you love, someone you choose to be with, a partner. The range of these firsts is pretty impressive too. From the first time you meet them to the first time you hold your own child, spouses experience so much through their commitment to one another. The intimacy of firsts with a spouse is something special and something to be cherished.

First day without, first holiday, first anniversary. I never thought I would be in this position, nor did I ever imagine all the firsts I would have to do by myself, without my partner. There is no development timeline, no Pic Collage template that prepares you for the firsts as a widow. The thought of going alone can be down right terrifying and depressing. You try to anticipate what people will say to you, what emotions you will experience, and wonder if the subsequent times will get easier.

I had some pretty big firsts this last weekend and I found myself talking about and remembering Chasen at those events.  The Marion County Cattlemen Banquet and Iowa Farm Bureau Young Farmers Conference were a big part of our lives. Events where we celebrated our passion and vocations, and made lifelong friends. This year was different, and I was thankful for the friends and family that embraced my attendance, even if I wasn't whole. Because somewhere in the stress of anticipating going to these events alone, I found happiness last week. True, beaming, warm happiness. It was brief and so strange, but I look forward to finding it again. 

In all the firsts that come your way, whether joyous or terrifying, try to find the luster, the shine, the beauty. The days are getting easier as I learn this life of a widow. I know someday I will find joy and happiness in the anticipation of firsts again, but it will take time. I continue to find comfort in the fact that Chasen was able to experience his first day with the Lord. And I look forward to hearing that story some day.

This Season of Life

Like the rest of the world I am a huge fan of Joanna Gaines. Watching her and Chip work together to serve others, fulfill their passions, and create a lifestyle for their families, all while having fun - who doesn't have that dream?! In her December issue of her magazine, Magnolia Journal she talked about the challenges of having their fifth child at age 40. The additional appointments, extra exhaustion as a mother of 4 already, lifestyle and business shifts, etc. Despite everything that was thrown in their lap with this unexpected surprise, she felt totally prepared for this season of their life. I believe that God is always trying to prepare us for the next season of life. Whether it brings significant change, wrenching heartache, or a wave of blessings, He is constantly preparing us for that moment. Let me share with you my perspective.

Growing up I was a huge tom boy. Like to the point where I wore husky style wranglers because those were the only pants that fit my middle school body and adorned them with ropers (I am literally cringing as I type this, so country!). I loved playing tractors with Chris, was a kick ball star at school, and even caught salamanders and toads and kept them as "pets". I struggled through this part of life - trying to find the happy medium between what I loved and what my friends were all doing. I found somewhat of a saving grace when I started FFA as a freshman and really found a place for myself, feeling comfortable in my own skin. But now looking back, I understand fully why I found joy in all those things that boys do. God was not preparing me to be an active FFA member, but now for life as a single mom with a son. Playing farm, making mud in the sandbox and rough housing during a game of football seem second nature to me. Instead of being embarrassed of my tomboy years as a child I have been given an opportunity to embrace them.

Fast forward to 2016 when we learned we were pregnant with Nolan. At the time I was at the crossroads every working mom experiences - balancing my passion, my career, and being a new mom. I took a leap of faith and started a new job fresh off maternity leave as a Financial Officer. With support from Chasen and all of my teammates I adjusted to the learning curve as best as a post partum mom could offer. Five months into my new job, we learned of Chasen's diagnosis. Without the support of my teammates and customers, I can't imagine what the last two years would have brought. I have no doubt that God placed that opportunity in my life at the perfect time.

A few weeks ago I was at a landowners meeting for work. I found myself sitting next to another widow. During lunch we began to talk about her farm and her relationship with her landowners. Then the conversation switched to me. I told her that I am planning to farm our farm this year, while working full time and raising our son. Her eyes filled with sadness then complete panic "How are you going to be able to do all of that?"  Well to be honest I don't really know, but I feel prepared for this season of life. From growing up on a farm, to my college years at Iowa State, to farming with Chasen, to learning from my customers, all with the help of amazing family and friends God has laid a strong foundation. I never thought I would find myself in this position, but I would like to think Chasen knew I would be prepared for this season of life.

If you find yourself in a difficult season of life, stop take time and reflect on how God has prepared you for this moment. Or on the flip side, trust that he is readying you for another season of life yet to come.  Losing Chasen at age 31 was a huge sacrifice to  all those that loved him. I often find myself in his absence reflecting, praying, asking how I am to move forward as a child of God. And at the end of the day, I find myself wanting to empower others to have courage and strength in their seasons of life.

During Chasen's cancer journey, Joshua 1:9 was a foundation to our faith. I've heard that pain should not be wasted, and I know He will not lead us astray. So whatever life may throw your way, strive to find the blessings in everything that happens to you.

The Gifts of Christmas

The Christmas season is filled with sights, sounds, smells, and full of memories. I have learned over the years that the meaning of Christmas has changed for me, in an organic sort of way. Christmas as a child was filled with wonder-Santa, elves, reindeer, and the manger scene. We would spend Christmas Eve at mass listening to the children’s choir sing tidings of joy, to rush home and find that Santa had arrived. We would spend the evening playing with toys and enjoying sweet treats. Christmas day was spent traveling to the Hosch and Knepper Christmases. We would bring our new toys to “show and tell”, but not share because we didn’t want them to be broken. More presents would be opened and additional sweet treats consumed. At that time of my life Christmas was understood as a season of “receiving”.

Over the course of the next few years I remember drawing names at various family events and using my hard-earned cash to buy gifts that no one really needed. It was fun buying gifts for family members and a thrill to participate in the next Secret Santa. But over time, the allure of the holiday craze began to fade. Was “gifting” all there was to Christmas? Sure, I went to church and celebrated the birth of Jesus, but the commercialization of Christmas was making me egg-nogged. Little did I know; the Christmas of 2015 would change everything for me.

The first year we were married we hosted a friends and family Christmas party at our home. We welcomed friends to our home to feast and enjoy a few libations. This tradition continued through the years and grew in attendance. I remember our 2015 Christmas party very well. An hour before our guests would show up Chasen began mixing drinks, “practicing” as he called it. Before I ordered my moscow mule, I decided I better take a pregnancy test, just to be sure. To my delight and utter surprise it showed a positive result. I took another. Same result. I ran the test to Chasen and we shared a brief moment of joy, then came up with a plan B for my drink for the evening. After our guests had gone home and the reality of our little blessing set in, we looked at Christmas in a new light. This Christmas we celebrated the gift of true “joy”.

Our first Christmas as a family of three was special. We smiled as Nolan looked at our Christmas tree with wonder. We spent lots of time in the car traveling to Christmases where he was spoiled with clothes, presents, and love.  I remember rocking Nolan to bed one-night listening to Christmas music-my favorite. When “Mary did you know” came on, I listened intently to the lyrics and burst into tears. Do you think she really knew? Was she aware at the point in time, filled with joy and happiness, the path that God laid out for her precious babe? I tried to put myself in Mary’s shoes. Holding this sweet boy of ours as he breathed in and out, I thought about his future. Yes I loved him, but I don’t think I could come close to the love Mary had for the son of God. To carry a child for nine months, birth him in a stable, and watch him die on the cross to save the lives of others. The Christmas of 2016 showed me the precious gift of “love”.

Shortly after that Christmas Chasen began to not feel like himself-continued weight loss, intensified back pain, and loss of appetite. Appointment after appointment, test after test, our fear and worry continued to grow. In March we learned that these were the side effects of Chasen’s cancer. Our world was shattered. How would we get through this dark period of time? Endure this pain? And that is when all of you came into play. With a remarkable Seeds of Hope benefit that April, we were filled with courage, love, and hope. Throughout that year we traveled to chemo appointments, endured a few surgeries and recoveries, and traveled out of the country to receive treatment. Time flew. As Christmas 2017 approached we felt that giving material gifts would bring little joy and meaning to our family. So instead we gave to the cancer families spending the Christmas season at the Ronald McDonald House and Hope Lodge of Iowa City. We were so blessed to sleep in the comfort of our homes during Chasen’ treatments and could not fathom being away from our family and farm. This Christmas I learned the true meaning of “giving”.

So where does that leave me for this Christmas season? The last few days Chasen was home with us, I spent time decorating the home to look and hopefully feel like a "normal" Christmas for us. Lights, glitter, and smells aside, it was not normal. As I put up the tree , the lights, and the glitter, I thought about when I would have to put everything away. I know now I will have to do it all alone, boxing up all decorations and finding a home for all the new toys. I realize our home on Christmas morning will feel very different. No doubt will there sadness, loneliness, and emptiness. But I hope I can find joy in the promise of the resurrection-the feat Jesus completed when he was born some 2000 years ago in a stable. The feat Chasen completed a few weeks ago-suffering, enduring, and rising from the dead. I have always "celebrated" the birth of Jesus during Christmas, but this year I can confidently say I am truly grateful for the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ and his resurrection, the gift of "promise".

Sometimes we don't always understand the plans the Lord has for us, and the path he has laid out for us can be difficult to travel. Thankfully we don't have to go it alone. With strength, courage, and love and support from others, we can face anything. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

A Season of Thanksgiving

Even in times of distress we have things to be thankful for.

Another holiday season is upon us. In the words of Luke Bryan “days go slow, but years go fast”. We have had our share of long days in the office, in the hospital, and in the field doing what we love this past year; but as we prepare for Thanksgiving with our boisterous two year old I can’t fathom where the time has gone.  

Have we had frustrations, trying times, and down right depressing moments this last year. You bet. But we also have so much to be grateful for: successful recoveries from Chasen's surgeries, a rock solid company that stands behind their employees, abundant support from family and friends, and loving memories from the past year to name a few

In everything I do, people ask me how Chasen is getting along. During one conversation with a customer, we began to talk about the outpouring of love and support at the Seeds of Hope benefit this last year.

“I came to the benefit because I wanted to support your family. You know Justine, that is what is wrong with the world. We have got away from people helping people through churches or mission work, and instead they have turned to the government and we are funding handouts through taxes.”

In my current and past job roles, I have heard many a complaint about paying taxes, but this was a new spin on a typical conversation and it got me thinking. The Lord did not put on us on this planet to wear the newest pair of Tony Llamas, or drive the newest King Ranch pickup, or buy 200 acres of ground every year. We were put on this earth solely to serve one another and to glorify God.

But humility is a funny thing. It can prevent us from asking for help, or even accepting help when offered. Why did God create the human with these two instinctive natures? How can we break this cycle? We have to actively look for opportunities and pray for acceptance.

This has been one of the biggest challenges for Chasen and I. We are such independent people that forge our own path, that asking for directions or help with a refuel is tough. But down this road we learned that we can't-nor do we have to- do everything alone.

When we are hit with hard news or face another uphill battle, those that seem to wear those boots, drive that truck, and buy that farm ground with no struggle or strife creep into my mind. And the “life’s not fair” wagon tries to pick me up and whisk me away. Where are their challenges? What pain do they experience? How is this fair? And although these thoughts are natural, because we are human, they can be so damaging to dwell on. 

For those that are in my shoes, do not be discouraged by the appearance of life of others. There will be those that struggle through life with disease, addiction, and financial insecurity. Rest assured "the others" will be the individuals that serve us and during our times of need. They will help carry our crosses.

For all of those who picked up our cross this past year, we cannot say it enough, thank you! Whether you helped out on the farm, wrote kind words to our family, delivered a hot meal, or kept us in your daily prayers, we are forever grateful. Are we going through a trying time in our young lives? Without a doubt. But have we had opportunities to be grateful, blessed, and thankful for the love and support of others? Absolutely.  

As Thanksgiving comes and goes and we prepare for the Christmas season I would ask for you to take an opportunity to serve others, whatever that may be. And those that are on the other side of the coin, allow others to serve you.

In sickness and in health

This year has held lots of milestones for my life together with Chasen. Five years of marriage, our sons first birthday, ten years of being a couple, and our first year of living with cancer. The stories, memories, tears we have shared over the last ten years could probably fill a book or two.

November 7 was our official ten year relationship anniversary. Its hard to believe that ten years ago a tall farm boy with dimples asked me out. It wasn't too long after that I knew he was the one I would share my vows with....I just didn't think it would take five years to get there (haha jk Chasen).  In all seriousness, when you are standing before God and the ones you love dearly you vow to love your significant other in good times and bad, in sickness and in health. This year, those words have never been more true.

Each of these experiences requires a different mindset and piece of one's heart. Now we are all human and we learn as we go. No one knows how to handle every situation, or always has the perfect answer. We just pray our spouse has the patience and an open heart to love us back.

I think we can all attest to a time or two where we really didn't "like" our spouse. Maybe alcohol was involved, or we spoke before we thought, or in my case got stuck in the snow three times in one winter. I mean it wasn't like I intentionally drove through the deepest part of a drift, or spun out until I was parked in the garden. (I should mention that it always happened late at night on my way home from a cattlemens banquet, when it was subzero temperatures.)

**For the record a front wheel drive Equinox is a glorified golf cart in the snow.

Anyway, now that I've stated my excuses, I dreaded making that phone call every time.
"Hi"
"Hi? Where are you at?"
"Um, you're not going to believe this, but I'm stuck in the front yard"
"Excuse me?"
"Ya in a snow drift"
Click.

The next minutes, which felt like hours entailed the truck being chained to my car, engines revving and snow flying.

After the snow and our frustrations melted the next morning we were able to keep on loving each other. Every relationship has its strains, and we have been blessed ours have been trivial matters.

This past fall I was lucky enough to have the flu bug twice within three weeks. I mean, seriously?? Having the flu as an adult is painful, having the flu as a parent is agonizing... Mom's you know what I'm talking about.

Lucky for me, my knight in shining armor was able to pull through. As he played with Nolan on the floor, brought me a sprite, and took Nolan trick or treating, I realized how helpless I felt. I wanted to play my role as a mother and wife, but my chills and screaming headache immobilized me to the couch. 

Although it would seem he was playing his role as a dad and husband, my heart was full.

Love when life is good and healthy is easy, fun, and carefree. However my experience has been loving one another during the not so fun times is more powerful, deeper, authentic. However it doesn't come easy. Sometimes it is really easy to get caught up in the moment and forget the blessings that we have shared and overlook the gifts that God continually offers us. This stage of love takes effort, patience, and humility.  Being human, we are no where close to having it perfected, but that is what I'm looking forward to over the next ten years. 

Find the good

Find the Good

Within the last year Chasen and I have become fans of Chip and Joanna Gaines and their HGTV series Fixer Upper. But in all honesty who has not? Their ability to transform old homes into their client’s dreams, while keeping their family values in check is inspiring to many. Plus Chip’s antics and jokes can guarantee a good chuckle or two. As a result of our obsession, I purchased their book The Magnolia Story. After sitting on the shelf for months, I finally had an opportunity to crack it open during our stay at Mercy back in May.  

In the book, Chip and Joanna share the ups and downs of their business and the process of flipping homes. One night in the manic of raising a family and running their business, Joanna realized that she needed to make the switch from survival mode and embrace the crazy life they were living. In other words make the transition to “thrive instead of survive”. This quote has found a way into my heart and mindset over the past few months. Yes, I will admit there are some tough days, where the light at the tunnel seems to not exist and it is a struggle to get through the day. But I have realized that staying under the dark cloud too long blinds one from the joys, happiness, and hope that life can bring. Unfortunately we cannot push rewind on our days, and the weeks pass all too quickly. In switching from surviving to thriving, I have learned to embrace the path God has sent us down and to find the good in every day. Most of the time, the good comes from those around us.

I first met Matthew Burt during his freshman year of college. He was one of my mentees in the Animal Science peer mentor program. Since then, we would run into each other every now and then. I always thought highly of Matthew – probably influenced by the fact that he was a regular at the scheduled mentee-mentor meetings. Later come to find out, it was because I always brought pizza, ha! In all seriousness, over the years I have enjoyed sharing a beer and a conversation with Matthew. Last weekend at the first ISU football game, I thought it was just another beer. But a text from Matthew yesterday proved me wrong. 

Matthew, an avid biker, was gearing up for a 200-mile ride this upcoming weekend. After visiting with our family at the tailgate, he was looking for a way to do some good. Matthew wanted to dedicate his 200-mile ride to Chasen and his battle with cancer, seeking pledges and contributions along the way. Matthew saw it as a way to inspire, encourage and push him to reach his 200-mile goal. 

"Whenever I meet the Stevenson's they ask me how I am doing and how life is on my family farm. It is because of their kindness to me and others that I am so interested in raising money for Chasen's fight. It's not what they have said or done necessarily, but how they have made me feel. I always feel better after seeing them." 

Simply speechless....

Although our cancer journey is just getting started, we have been absolutely humbled by the good graces of family, friends, community members, and even strangers. I have said from the beginning of our cancer journey, God bless small towns and agriculture. These two blessings have provided us one heck of a support network, one that continues to give, continues to push. I cannot imagine going through this journey without one or the other.

When I first told my sister about Matthew’s 200-mile ride, she questioned if that was even physically possible to do in one day. To give some perspective, it is 180 miles from our house to Cascade and a 2.5 hour car ride. To even fathom the energy and perseverance it will take to complete this feat is a struggle. However, I have full faith in Matthew completing this feat. 

As we get closer to Sunday, I hope Matthew’s ride finds a way to inspire you. Whether you send supplies to the areas hit by hurricanes, take your family for a bike ride, or reach out to someone you know is hurting, find a way to do some good. Find a way to help others thrive. We all know that cancer sucks, no doubt about it. However, in trying to find the silver lining, our eyes and our hearts have been exposed to the love, hope, and support of those around us as we continue to fight Chasen’s cancer. And from that perspective, what an amazing blessing we have received.

If you want to follow along on Matthew’s ride, you can find more information on the Facebook event he created by clicking here. Safe travels Matthew and God bless!

Angels everywhere

Lately its been hard for me to put my thoughts to words, but this story is too special to keep for our hearts only.

For those of you that know Chasen and I, you know that we LOVE the Iowa State Fair. We love the food, the entertainment, the livestock shows, the ice cold beer at Stockmans, and most importantly the reunion it creates for family and friends. Since we started dating I bet we have averaged 6 days of fair going, easily. We love the state fair so much that last year I went into labor during the state fair. I told you, we love the fair!

As the state fair rolled closer we began to talk about and plan how state fair would be this year. We knew that Chasen would be fatigued from the treatment he received in Mexico City at the end of July. And as a result, we would need an aggressive parking plan, options for an afternoon snooze, and  likely on grounds transportation. It would be a different fair experience, but we could definitely make it work.

With a camper lined out, I began searching Craigslist for a motorized scooter. There just happened to be a guy in Ottumwa that flipped scooters-refurbished used ones and priced them to sell. It was the perfect scenario and a short drive, but unfortunately we weren't the only ones with the brilliant idea to purchase a scooter for the fair. In the last week he had sold 20, bringing his inventory to a flat 0. I broadened my search and came across one for sale in Cedar Rapids. It was an elderly lady that was offering her late husband's scooter for $600. We visited a bit about the scooter and I arranged for my sister's boyfriend to go check it out later that night.

At about 6 that evening I get a call from my sister, "I am probably going to make you cry." Selfishly I thought to myself, the scooter was already sold by time Beau had got there, or it had electrical problems and he decided not to purchase it. I could never have guessed the news that she had to share.

The lady wanted to give us the scooter for free.  In fact she wouldn't accept any money for it.  Because it was her late husband's she was having a hard time parting with it (he passed away last July). She told Beau that she had prayed to God for the last two weeks that someone that desperately needed the scooter would find it. Once she heard our story, she felt in her heart this is what she needed to do.

God bless her and her broken heart.

At the begining of our cancer journey we had close friends tell us that it would be a beautiful experience. They weren't talking about the trips to the doctors office, or the infusions, or the side effects of the drugs, or the sleepless nights. They were talking about the hope, and love, and generosity we would receive from our friends, family, community, and even strangers. We continue to be humbled by all the support we have received.

God has a funny way of working, as the old saying goes. Just when it feels the wheels are about to fall off, suddenly the road ahead clears up so we can start to move forward again. Every day we realize the blessings that God has put in our life, large or small. We are eternally grateful for those that continue to pray for our family, whether we know them or not, the power of prayer is simply amazing.