Through the Storm

This past weekend I was blessed with the opportunity to attend the Iowa Farm Bureau Young Farmer Conference in Des Moines to raise awareness about the Seeds of Hope Foundation. As many of you know, the Iowa Farm Bureau was a big part of Chasen's life here on this earth. We spent many years attending the conference, traveling, advocating for agriculture, and most importantly making lifelong friendships. Members of the Young Farmer Advisory Committee approached me with the opportunity to raise money for the foundation at the 2022 event. The Farm Bureau offered to match up to the first $1,000 raised. I am humbled to say that over $5,000 was raised to support young farm families diagnosed with long term illnesses. Thank you to each and everyone that made a contribution to the foundation. I can promise that your dollars will make a difference.

During the conference I had several people come up to me - "I don't know how you do it Justine / Chasen would be so proud / I am in awe of your strength".  As I tried to formulate a response, I struggled to find the words. So I settled with "you don't realize how strong you can be until God puts your faith to test." I have been honored by the chance to remember Chasen's legacy and compassion through the Foundation. It has created opportunities to help other young farm families through some trying times. Paying forward what so many did for us, a shining light in a dark time.  

Coincidentally we read from Mark today (4:35-41):  

On that day when evening had come he said to them, "Let us go across to the other side." And leaving the crowd they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. And other boats were with him. And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher do you not care that we are perishing?" And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, "who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?"

During life's storms filled with fear, anger and pain, it is so easy to question God. Similar to the disciples on that boat, I thought many times "God where are you? Do you care? Can you hear my prayers?" And one day I suddenly realized that I was here in this moment, in this storm for a reason. It was then that I was able to fully embrace my faith in God and it took me to another level. I can say that my faith in God was the strongest it had ever been in the eye of our storm. God is bigger and can calm any wind or wave this earth can muster.  

I remember my counselor saying to me several times - "Don't let this pain go to waste". She pushed me to be a better mom, a better friend, a better wife, a better coach through the storm. This past week a good friend of mine shared her storm with the world. I am so proud to have been a part of Maddie Caldwell's journey. If you haven't yet, take 10 minutes for Maddie and give her story a read. It was so humbling to watch Maddie grow and learn as a young employee. But after learning more about her storm this past spring, I had a new level of respect for the joy she brings to this world. A fruit beared by the power of her storm. 

In the middle of the storm, we need to trust our Savior. Truly realize that everything happens for a reason. When we experience the power of God we can find rest, we can grow in the spirit (Acts 1:8). 

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you and you will be my witnesses".

God empowers us to make disciples and to be his witnesses. Today in church it was said that 53% of our community will not step foot in a church. As a single mom with a young child, I totally get it so please do not feel that I am shaming anyone but simply attempting to do just that. Helping you unleash God's spirit so you too can bear great fruit. 

Living in Pella has brought many blessings to Nolan and I, but one of the biggest was being exposed to Christian music. It is played in stores, coffee shops, salons, through the local radio station, and now on my Amazon Alexa. If you think a child belting out "Let it Go" brings a smile to your face, it can not compare to that of a song about Jesus. Today we listened to one of our favorites in church "Waymaker". If you haven't heard it, and are in the midst of a a storm, I ask you to take a listen. Focus on these words: 

Even when I don't see it you're working...Even when I don't feel it you're working...You never stop working"

If you can't find God in your storm, find a friend, find a family member. We are all here to help one another get to heaven. Wake us from our cushion so we can help you see the power and rest that God can offer.

And if you made it to the other side of the lake. Don't forget to take time and admire the rainbow. 

God bless all of you in this upcoming week.

Week 1 - COVID19

Has any one else noticed how quiet the world feels? As I was hanging up laundry yesterday, a result of attempting to deep clean my house, I felt this silence consume me and the mundane task I was doing. Foreign, unnerving, almost threatening, the silence crept through the air altering life as it passed by. I have had my share of reality checks, but this was quite like nothing I have experienced before. 

I am fairly certain that this past week has been the longest week of my life. The abrupt changes and disruption this pandemic brought to our world were challenging to accept. Our comfortable lives were blindsided by the COVID19 amtrak. Some may say fear, media, political parties, or the Russians are driving this high speed wrecking ball. To me, it is a moot point. We need to focus on the trajectory and potential destinations this track has. I have heard a couple of weeks, to months, to a full year before we go back to "normal life". And instead of normal, I would like to say back to a life where we can exercise our freedom, experience a functioning economy, attend a worship service, engage with one another. 

I have yet to sort through what the COVID19 pandemic actually means. I understand the physical symptoms of the Corona Virus, and that immune compromised and elderly individuals are considered high risk if they contract the virus. I understand like any virus, it is highly contagious and there are no treatment options if infected, other than to ride it out. From a health standpoint I feel aware, however the social, financial, economical, and psychological tentacles associated with COVID19 are so immense I cannot stretch my arms wide enough to grasp them. This defined pandemic has rocked our social lives this past week, but there will be significant lingering impacts for years to come. 

In some ways, this pandemic feels like our life since Chasens diagnosis: 

Blindsided by shocking news. 

Attempt to sort through the facts. 

Adjust to a new normal. 

This loop was on repeat for our family for almost 3 years, but this feels so different. This time I am going through this loop with my friends, family, teammates, and neighbors but I still am not able to relate. Maybe I am looking at COVID19 through the wrong lens.

To me, it is no surprise this pandemic is raging through this country during the Lenten season. I pray that by the Monday after Easter (when Iowa schools are to resume) we all experience a resurrection. As we experience the effects of COVID19 in our homes, in our personal, social, and professional lives, I would ask for all of you to look for opportunities. Look for ways to reflect, to find purpose, to make progress. Let the silence consume you. Settle, fast, and pray. Pray for our medical community, for those that are ill, for the family that has $10 in their checking account, for the farmers that watch the markets plummet, for our elderly that fear to leave their home, and for our future generation. If we focus on the fear and the unknown, COVID19 will continue to cause havoc. 

In every struggle there is victory. Let's make the pain of this experience count.

Salt

Have you ever heard the phrase pouring salt on an open wound? Nolan had first hand experience this week - "Mommy, my lips hurt. I need chapstick!" He exclaimed as he devoured guacamole on salted tortilla chips through his chapped lips. Outside of treating canker sores, it is hard for me to comprehend the success behind salting wounds as a healing practice. I am thankful for our human desire to better our lives with advancements like Neosporin. I suppose there weren't too many options in yesteryear, but anticipating and enduring such great pain before healed flesh revealed itself; that there is the definition of perseverance. Every scar earned it's story.

I wonder if experiencing pain is an inherent part of the healing process. If we had no pain, no regrets, no remorse, would we learn from our mistakes? Realize the blessings and opportunities we have been provided? One of the audio books I listened to last month titled Super Attractor, stressed the importance of focusing on good energies, good thoughts, and good experiences. When we focus on the light, it is hard for the dark to take over, to be salty about what path life has taken us down. When we embrace the pain, the struggle, the difficulty and focus on all we have been given, we are able to attract and let in the light. By going through something really ugly, we have the opportunity to realize the beauty this life has to offer. A choice to focus on the good. 

My felt board has donned this quote for a few weeks now. I purchased the board to help add motivation and inspiration to our day as we left our home for school and work, in a millenial fashion. I am sure pouring salt on an open wound was never easy, but knowing that some day the body would be healed provided courage. There have been days filled with tears, pain, frustration, anger, and doubt, but I am noticing that each day my load is lightened. I seem to be finding my own way, making progress on my own time. 

So what do I do with these scars, these healing wounds? This past Sunday the gospel reading was from Matthew 5:13-16, and coincidentally it referenced salt:
     'You are salt for the earth. But if salt loses its taste, what can make it salty again? It is good for nothing, and can only be thrown out to be trampled under people's feet.
     'You are light for the world. A city built on a hill-top cannot be hidden.
     No one lights a lamp to put it under a tub; they put it on the lamp-stand where it shines for everyone in the house.
     In the same way your light must shine in people's sight, so that, seeing your good works, they may give praise to your Father in heaven.

Yes, our wounds and scars have been earned, Pain is a part of living on this earth. But despite our wounds and scars we all have an opportunity to share grace and humility with one another. I absolutely refuse to use the phrase "human experience", but we are all here to help one another heal, move forward, and find our purpose to serve the Lord. 

God has created this path for us for a reason, it is up to me to figure out the purpose, to see the light. Earlier this fall I was talking to one of my teammates about my severe case of RBF - resting bitch face. She smiled and said, "I am not sure what you are talking about, you are one of the most pleasant people I have ever met." I have never thought of myself as a joyful person, but I realize that I am often my own worse critic. Maybe the salt is more healing than I will ever realize.

All In God's Timing

For those of you that know me well, understand my conservative nature and my desire to live in a black and white world. Although I am classified as a "millenial", I don't feel I fit the mold most days (However, I did find myself in public wearing yoga pants and drinking a latte this weekend. What in the...). At any rate, feelings and emotions are kept to myself. I have never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve or think about how said sleeve can impact any one else but me.

With more time on the road, I have found myself gravitating toward self-help audio books as opposed to murder mysteries (if you are interested I have a running list that I would love to share). The books focus on identifying fears and triggers in your life, learning to adapt and prepare for the emotions that surface in an effort to be your ultimate best self. They provide a clear cut approach to looking at challenges holistically and using your self confidence to address conflict - in a step 1, step 2, type fashion which is perfect for me. Although I would like to say I do, rarely do I find myself going through the different steps of problem solving. But I have found the books to be thought provoking nonetheless. The most recent book shares insights on identifying the "universe" aka divine power, Godly intervention, etc. in our everyday lives and channeling our thoughts to capitalize on direction from the universe. Now I will admit this sounds very millennial/hippie-like, but I continue to find myself slowing down to experience and grasp situations life, or the universe, presents.

During Thanksgiving my aunt said a lovely prayer blessing our food and our family before we sat down to eat. She let me know before hand that she had a special prayer she had been practicing for Chasen. Thanksgiving was his one year death anniversary. As promised, she led us through a prayer specific to Chasen. She started off the prayer wishing blessings upon him as he celebrates his one year anniversary in heaven. I was glad I had a hand to hold and a warm hug after the prayer to bring me back to reality. What a powerful way to think about his life now. Selfishly I had been stuck thinking, saying, feeling: a year without him here, a year without his laugh, a year without his embrace. My thoughts and energies were focused on my loss, never his gain. It was a complete game changer for me and the heaviness my heart carried that day lightened a little.

About a week later I found myself waiting on my family doctor for my self checkup. As luck would have it a new mother was in labor and my doctor was the woman of the hour. I told the nurse I would grab my computer from my truck and wait for the babe to be delivered. I really enjoy my doctor and was looking forward to the chance to catch up with her. As I walked through the waiting room, I looked into the faces of the people waiting to be seen by their doctor. I wondered why they were here and suddenly felt the familiar wave of emotion coming on. It had been a full year of "healthy" doctor appointments. No infusions, no scans, no surgical recovery stays. Other than my carpal tunnel surgery and extreme soft tissue swelling in my ankle (long story), we had managed to stay out of the hospital and clinic this past year. I reflected on the hours traveling to and from Iowa City, days and weeks in hospital rooms hoping and praying for a positive diagnosis. The silence, the pain, the fear. What hell we were living in. A few hours later my doctor arrived apologizing for her delay. And when I said I didn't mind the wait, I meant every word of it.

This past weekend I was driving home from a work Christmas party lost in my thoughts and an opportunity that lay ahead of me. Listening to my favorite Pandora station thinking about thinking when thinking, I saw a blast of pink light shoot across the sky. How long had it been since I had seen a shooting star? Whatever the span in time, I felt it was the "universe" giving me confidence to trust my gut - which I am learning (in my new found hippie fashion) to be my soul speaking to me. So I made the decision, followed through and not a few hours later I saw yet another blast of green light shoot across the sky. Seriously, two shooting stars in one night? What are the odds?!! Before I could question my awareness to my surroundings, I found a sense of peace and realized I don't have to be in the drivers seat all the time. All I have to do is keep the faith. 

One of my best friends gave birth to a sweet baby girl this past week. I am so excited to watch their family grow together. We connected a lot through her pregnancy because like me, she is a planner. The day she went into the hospital, we were talking through different scenarios of labor: how fast she would progress, would her water break, and would she have time to get an epidural. Before she could get too far in the madness I told her to enjoy the anticipation of the unknown. I could feel her exasperation through the phone but I persisted. Looking back, labor was the start of all the "unkowns" as a parent that I am still living today - what sex will the baby be, what will be their first words, when will they walk, and the list goes on. Today, Father Kevin expressed the excitement anticipation has to offer as we wrap up the Advent season. During this time of year we are waiting for the hope, peace, joy and love that our Savior Jesus Christ has to offer. And more importantly, the plans that God has for each and every one of us, provided we can still ourselves to listen.

I know some friends are concerned about this new yoga pants wearing, latte drinking, self-aware Justine. And if I am honest, I question if I riding the line of the millenial hippie. Maybe it is the swelling of emotions that come with the first anniversary, or that the shock of losing Chasen is starting to wear off and I am able to take in life. Either way, I am learning to trust that this is truly part of God's plan for me. In the words of ISU Football coach Matt Campbell, I am learning to trust the process.

From Green to Gold

Well I did it. With the help of some great neighbors, I planted and harvested my first crop on our farm. As I went through the 2019 growing season solo, I thought of the late spring and fall nights Chasen spent farming. He loved nothing more than to plant, nurture, and harvest crops. He would admit that science was not his strong suit, but when it came to anything agronomic, he was second to none. Picking out my seed variety, calculating fertilizer needs, and landing on an application plan gave me full blown anxiety. For him it came so natural. He had such confidence in the technology and science behind raising corn and beans in south central Iowa. He was made to farm.

Reflecting on past conversations with Chasen, building a cash flow with Kirn, and putting together a game plan with my neighbors, I was ready to go to the field…from my desk of course. Nolan and I waited patiently for our fields to spring to life in late April. Once the heat found the corn and the corn found the nitrogen, it took off. As the corn grew taller, I was able to breathe a little deeper finding some peace and honestly a little excitement in raising a crop. I had never been more ready for the combine to roll across our fields as fall approached. Once the crew arrived Nolan and I had a chance to ride in the combine. As we crept across the field, I felt such a sense of accomplishment. It came full circle for me. As the yield flashed across the monitor, I began to postulate: How can I change my fertilizer prescription next year? Is this seed variety the best for the farm? What if I ran a tile line here? The fire was ignited.   

A lot of people were in disbelief that I personally farmed our ground this year. Although some days my anxiety made me question my decision, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Chasen and I were fortunate enough to purchase the farm that had been in his family for five generations. There is something indescribable about owning and caring for the land. The ability to dream and live out our stewardship nature; I have yet to find anything that can compare.

When we purchased the farm, it was enrolled in CRP. I was in love. It looked like the perfect cow farm, lush green grass as far as the eye could see and a pond to boot. My love affair soon came to an end as we made hay, planted our first crop, and held our breath. Onto making the house a home, finishing my thesis and wrapping up wedding plans. You know, as an over-functioner, I never do anything halfway. As the intensity built towards our big day in July so did the heat and lack of moisture. Our first year farming together, which happened to be 2012, our June-planted beans struggled to make 30 bushels to the acre.

Thankfully our luck soon turned around. We made the home ours by finishing the basement ourselves, built fence for our “livestock”, and turned the pasture farm into a productive row crop operation. As life often does, we got busy and some of our wants fell to the wayside as we worked to make the farm cashflow. In the spring of 2018, twelve months into Chasen’s diagnosis, we wanted to live out our dream of improving the land to make it better for the next generation. On the bottom ground there was a large ditch overgrown with trees that ran through the middle of the farm. Not only was the ditch unproductive, but it shaded out the crops that grew nearby reducing the average yield of the farm. A few days spent in the excavator and the view had changed significantly, but the ditch was still there.

This fall we completed the project. Trees were burned and the ditch was graded out, spreading the rich top soil back to the field where it belonged. I am so excited to watch the new field turn from green to gold this next year.

I wish Chasen was here to see the project complete, to see how we were able to heal the farm. It is hard for me to believe that I have lived 365 days without Chasen on this earth. I would like to say the days are getting easier, but that would be a lie. In a way I look at our farm like I look at my heart. Being human we are imperfect. Ditches can form over time or we can inherit them from circumstances of life. Acknowledging the ditches and overgrown brush that fill my heart, I can work on healing and becoming the best version of myself. I have come to learn that I am grieving disappointment, the loss of expectations, forgiveness, and a broken heart. So like the ditch, I am healing my heart one step at a time. The waves of grief continue to strike, but I am better today than I was yesterday and tomorrow is a new day. By becoming more self-aware, I am curious about my emotions and able to process my grief. It is a marathon, not a sprint, with the finish line clear at the end of my time.

I told a friend the other day that this whole experience has made me realize just how human I can be. As we approach Thanksgiving, I am so thankful for the friends and family in my life that have given me the space and grace to grieve on my own time. To be there when I need them, and to leave judgement at the door. To listen and provide advice when I need it most. Thank you for being there for me and for helping me “trust the process”.

Motives and Missions

I had a lot of drive time today, which for me means phone calls and an occasional podcast. However today I found myself reflecting about #carsonking and his initiative to raise money through his Venmo account for the Stead Family Children's Hospital at the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics (UIHC). I think it's absolutely fantastic and it simply amazes me the power of technology in today's world.

Along I-80, I found myself reminiscing about how awesome it was for College Game Day to come to Ames. I thought about Carson's sign to be on the screen long enough for people to start filling up his Venmo account to buy beer - people that don't even know him or likely know where Ames is on the map. I thought about his announcement to donate the funds to the UIHC and the sense of pride every Cyclone and Hawkeye fan felt. And I thought about all of those families sitting in the hospital, waiting, hoping, fighting; and what his donation would mean to them.

Despite all of these feel-good thoughts, I found myself questioning the Des Moines Register's motive in publishing the article. What outcome did they want? To shed light on bullying, racism, and the power of social media? To have global sponsors like Anheuser Busch pull out of the movement? To stop future contributions to the campaign? To boost their follows on social media or subscription numbers? To publicly shame one individual? Was the desired result of boosting their ego to take away from the UIHC?

I, along with the rest of the state would simply like to know why; however I am confident we will never get an honest answer (my experience with them from a professional standpoint has been less than impressed).

I feel like at some point we have all have found ourselves in the same shoes that Carson King and the Des Moines Register are wearing. Making hurtful comments, not truly thinking through the consequences of our actions, and allowing our ego to dictate how we treat others.

However, in every situation, the next step we take is more important than our last. Whether we are a 16 year old with a smart phone, or a liberal news media outlet, don't we all deserve a second chance? An opportunity to right our wrongs and contribute positively to our family, friends, and community without judgement of our past.

I think we do.

I spent some time on social media tonight perusing through comments, posts, GIFs, memes, and blog posts. Ask my friends, they didn't find my screenshots of other people's opinions nearly as funny as I did (HA!). Aside all the jokes and laughs towards the Register, I saw another theme surfacing. Small companies and businesses stepping up to the plate. We saw Iowans putting back together the pieces that one damning article created.

The power of social media, need I say more?

I am excited to see the final number this weekend as Carson (a Cyclone fan) storms the field with the UI Hawkeyes. If you haven't yet, please consider giving to this amazing cause! I took the kiddos to Goldies tonight and we enjoyed some Gezellig Brewing Company beer ice cream. Don't worry, it was non-alcoholic - despite Nolan and Harper's expressions. All proceeds from the ice cream sales will be put into Carson's Venmo account. I plan to make an additional contribution to his Venmo account as well.

Like most Iowans this topic has consumed me in many ways, and I'll be the first to admit that I have spent way too much time on social media the past few days watching where this story goes. However, this topic has hit close to home for me for a few reasons:

• The influence that social media has on our world today. How much it consumes our lives and the ability it provides for all of us to rally around any cause. 
• What happens when we let our ego influence the decisions we make.
• Finally, as a family, we spent many afternoons, nights, and weekends walking the halls of the UIHC forcing smiles to other parents and children that were fighting the same fight as Chasen. 

I cannot put into words how much this contribution will mean to the UIHC and the families that are there with their loved ones. And to think that a college kid just looking for a case of beer started all of this leaves me absolutely speechless.

Climbing Mountains

Choices, throughout our life we have plenty of opportunities to make them. Some big, some small, either way, they all have an effect on the way we experience life. Have you ever felt like you were standing on the top of Mt. Everest, too terrified to move, but knowing that someway, somehow you needed to get back down to sea level? Which routes are available? Which route will you choose?

If you ever find yourself there, you may notice the marker I left to stake my claim. I've also been to Mount Olympus, Mount Fuji and K2. All at the top, wondering how in the heck I am going to get down back to safety. What route do I choose? Oh, did I mention I am afraid of heights?

Type A individuals are described as "outgoing, ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status-conscious, sensitive, impatient, anxious, proactive, and concerned with time management". AKA planners. For those of you that have known me for sometime, know how much of a planner I am. Phone calls I need to make, errands that need run, plans for after work (except dinner, ha!), and weekends for the next month, were all identified before I left the house most mornings. I had a 6 month plan for my 5 year plan, and a 5 year plan for my 10 year plan. Every choice I made, I was aware of the consequences and outcomes. I was a rigid, ambitious, proactive planner with everything in my life mapped out. The best route down the mountain if you will. But in March of 2017 when we learned of Chasen's cancer diagnosis my map went up in smoke, and I was lost in so many ways.

I found myself struggling with the loss of "control" I thought I had over my life. The realization that I could not effectively produce my five year plan, let alone my six month plan - even if I made the best decision every time - screamed defeat. Instead of working towards our six month goals, I was wondering what the next 24 hours would bring for our family most days. Living in such a concealed world was so foreign and lonely. I found myself praying for some consistency and certainty in my life. I often found it in the love and strength of my family, friends, teammates, and community members. We were so blessed to have an amazing support system to help us navigate through such a challenging time in our lives, guides for our mountain climb.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. We may not see the fruits of the challenges or decisions until weeks, months, or even years after we climbed down that mountain. It's pretty amazing to stand at the top of my mountain today and look at what I have gone through in the past nine months, heck even 3 weeks! I could have never predicted myself to be in this moment. As I continue to adjust to this new lifestyle - being ready for the unknown instead of "knowing" what's next - I find myself thinking "what's the rush, I got time to figure this out". In type A fashion, it totally freaks me out not knowing what my life will truly look like 6 months from now. But at the same time it is a little exciting. I am learning to trust in the plan that God has for me, instead of focusing on the plan I have for myself. I am learning to embrace the unknown.

Over the course of the last three years, I have had to learn how to adapt to what happens to me. As humans it is our nature to maintain a constant. Just look at any child and how they innocently react when their schedule is thrown off for the day. When we feel safe and comfortable life is good. We are content. What need is there to step out of our bubble, it is our happy place. But sometimes we are forced out of our bubble by things beyond our control, and when an opportunity comes up likely the choice to participate pushes us out of that bubble. How do we adapt, how do we react?

Being open and ready for change is not something that happens over night. BELIEVE ME. It is a change in mindset, a change in expectations, a choice in how we handle what happens to us. Now hear me out, I am no self-proclaimed expert, but I know I am more adaptable than I was a year ago and certainly five years ago. I am learning slowly, that sometimes it's not the destination, but it is the journey that makes life worth living. I don't think I will ever leave my type A ship, but I may spend a little time riding outside of the wake.

God has provided us with freewill, hope, joy, sadness and pain, in an effort to perfect us here on this earth. It is all about how we adapt to those curses, blessings, or change that make us who we are. And if we have an opportunity to help someone else down their mountain, we are really doing the work of His hands.

If you ever find yourself at the top of a mountain, make sure to stake your claim too. Enjoy the breathtaking view God provides and the wonderful blessing freewill offers to us. A chance to choose freely. Then when you get back down to sea level, or find yourself on another mountain all you have to do is have faith you can do it again.

A Love for the Land

For me I guess it goes all the way back to my childhood. Falling asleep to the combine humming across the field. Waking to the chore tractor coming down the lane, the lights shining in through the blinds of my bedroom window. Smelling the grain dust on dad's jacket as he would come in to tell us goodnight. Watching a ewe care for and love her lamb seconds after it hit the ground. A love for the land, a passion for taking care of livestock, and the desire to want to raise my family on the farm.

Well, here I am 25 years later attempting to do just that. Along with all the joys that come with farming, I also have the privilege to work with farmers as a part of my career. It is no secret that the farm economy right now is in pretty tough shape. Commodity markets have been trading sideways for months, input and interest costs continue to rise, and the weather has presented some challenges to our friends to the north and west. The USDA predicts net farm income will drop 8.3% in 2018 causing farmers to use their cash reserves and refinance farm ground just to plant and harvest another crop. We are no where near the 80's farm crisis "bad", but the morale in the countryside is not so good. So why are we gearing up for another round? Putting seed in the ground, with little to no measurable rainfall in the forecast and no deal sealed with China. Wouldn't a job in town be easier? Wouldn't a job in town be safer?

Paul Harvey's famous "So God Made a Farmer" speech and countless country songs have attempted to tell the story of the farmer - why we do what we do, and love the heck out of it. To my city friends, I have a hard time telling them the why, what, and how we do. I often feel like I don't have the words to give farming the justice it deserves - in the words of FarmersOnly "city folks just don't get it". But from their perspective it does sound ludicrous - no monthly wage, benefits, or bonuses, long hours working outside in the dust and sometimes manure, late nights and early mornings, all just to lose money (from a tax return perspective of course). I often find myself using the words: "There is just something about owning land, that is like nothing else." And then we quickly find some common ground to discuss. 

It hit me hard the other night as I traveled down our road, on my way home from supper with friends. I spotted lights in the field behind our house, just before the little eyes in the backseat spotted them. Upon seeing the lights I was filled with excitement that the spring farming season has to offer. The promise of a change in landscape from bare dirt to green vegetation, the smell of soil and freshly cut hay, the potential of "the best crop yet". I had seen these lights a handful of times at our farm, which brought on other experiences - rides in the tractor after delivering supper to Chasen, late nights in the house alone, and a waking kiss on the forehead when he got home after putting in an 18 hour day. The lights in the field signal the busyness of the season upon us.

As I continued down the road, I realized how different this spring would be, and honestly all the springs from here on out. No longer would I get to share that enjoyment, take another round, or wait up for Chasen. This spring will not be easy. As soon as the tears welled up in my eyes the voice behind me piped up "Tractor mom, putting on anhydrous." His timing was impeccable...Nolan has a way of doing that.

On Easter day, we spread some of Chasen's ashes on our farm. This was one of his final requests. To be cremated and mixed with the soil on the farm we purchased as a newly married couple. To be on the farm we would some day transition to Nolan. As we lay his ashes into the field behind our house, I couldn't help but think about the symbolism behind doing so:

                By the sweat of your brow you shall eat bread,
                Until you return to the ground, from which you were taken;
                For you are dust, and to dust you shall return. (Genesis 3:19)

Maybe this is all I need to understand our love for the land. Dirt is where we come from. It is a part of us, and ultimately our resting place. And how amazing is it that life can grow from this dirt that sustains our bodies? As farmers and farm wives it is our sole job to care for this part of God's creation, while serving others by providing for their families. As a farm mom and farm wife, it is my job to tell Nolan just how important our job is. Through buying seed, turning the wheel, and hopefully breaking even, I hope to pass on this passion, drive, and legacy to him. What a humbling and gratifying way to serve the Lord.

The Resurrection of Spring

Well folks we survived. As a whole, Iowa saw its third-wettest winter in 124 years of records and set some pretty wicked temperature records to boot. It came to a shock to most of us how absolutely brutal this winter was. However, I thought it was interesting that The Farmers' Almanac predicted a "teeth-chattering cold" with "plentiful snow" in its Midwest 2018-19 winter outlook. Maybe I should put more stock into that resource... But sometimes in life we have to go through experiences to actually learn from them, rather than just being told about it.

What is it about winter that makes everything seem harder. The longer days and cold nights crush my eating habits, exercise regime, morning routine, the whole gamut. The exhaustion of going outside to move snow enough to clean your driveway, or in some cases feed and bed livestock only to go back out and do it all over again in a few hours. The only season where weather can ruin weekend getaway plans or in the case of this year, work day plans too. You all know what I'm talking about.

During the dark evenings the past four months brought, I had a lot of time to reflect. And to me, this winter was a lot like Chasen's cancer journey. We had "heard" of close family and friends that went through a similar experience - the trips to treatment, the relentless pain, the change in lifestyle, etc. But in no way were we prepared for the freight train that rolled through our home in March of 2017. This winter was long and brutal with several snow storms that brought in spouts of bone-chilling cold, ripping winds, and mountains of snow. To me these blizzards were similar to the appointments where we didn't receive such good news about Chasen's prognosis, or the spurring of an emergency surgery. Sure, one could complain about the blizzards as they rolled in and the challenges they created in their personal lives, but it didn't make the winter any easier. At some point, we were all just trying to just survive. Get through to the next day.

About halfway through March, we all were thinking: When will this end? When will we be saved from the throes of this winter season? Will there be a spring?

And then just like that, we made the transition. New life was revealed to us. As the grass greens and flowers spring up from the barren soil we are reminded of the resurrection that spring has to offer this world. After such a dormant and depressing season, life comes back to us in such a beautiful way. One God created with us in mind. An attempt to reveal the promise of hope. 

This spring I am learning about the resurrection of my life after cancer and working my way towards being whol-ish again. Just like the snow that has melted away, the rawness of grief and loneliness are beginning to fade - although not completely gone. I continue to find more joy and happiness in each day, but yet in a different way than before. Almost like a part of my heart remains empty, like a sunken pit. One that will remain for eternity. A pit that I don't mind carrying. I remember the first time that I legitimately felt joy, since Chasen's passing. It was welcoming, exhilarating, and bizarre in it's own way. I almost felt ashamed for experiencing happiness again, and patiently waited until it revealed itself to me once more. In finding happiness anew, I have realized that once what was taken for granted, is anticipated, welcomed and relished. There are still days that are really hard. The loneliness, the emptiness, the unknown, surrounds me and fills our home. But knowing that I can experience happiness, makes those tough days a bit easier. 

Aside from personal resurrection, I have found hope in the promise of new life, one that is unknown to us on this earthly realm. Chasen endured so much during his cancer journey. More than any of us will ever know unless we are burdened with that cross. The pain, the fear, the anger, the inquisition. Most of what he carried in his heart, sparing those he loved. 

This Lenten season we have been working on building our relationship with Jesus in our home-how can he be a bigger part of our lives outside of daily prayer. As I read stories and watch videos with Nolan, it inspires me how similar Chasen's journey was to that of our Savior. He carried such a heavy cross, and in the end he knew he would have to endure incomprehensible pain to experience the unimaginable, the unknown, the resurrection. Christ had the ability to come back and reveal himself to his disciples to give them hope in life after death. Although Chasen has not revealed himself to this world fully, I find comfort knowing that he is healed and the best of himself with our Lord.

I have read a few books on heaven and it sounds like a remarkable place that we all will get to experience some day. But until then, I am challenged to continue to carry the cross of grief and fully experience my personal resurrection on this earth.

Firsts

Firsts in life are something we look forward to, something we document, and often something we boast. They help transition us through the stages of life while bringing on various emotions and creating memories to cherish forever.

First tooth, first birthday, first step. It doesn't seem all that long ago we experienced these firsts with our sweet baby Nolan. His first smile was particularly my favorite. As parents these firsts bring on excitement that our child is growing, developing and taking on their own personality. I am definitely in the early stages of firsts as a parent, but they have been nothing short of exciting. I know over time they will take on a different meaning, likely accompanied by more tears. After all, they are signifying transitions from newborn to toddler to adolescent to teenager to someday an adult. Firsts as a parents teach us about the importance of nurturing life.

First day of school, first ball game, first car. The hype and excitement with firts through a child's eyes is contagious! Some of these firsts come without say - first day of school, first time driving a car, etc. But others may require some encouragement from parents that "yes you really can do this" - first midde school dance, first basketball try out, etc. What I find unique about firsts as a child is that through them we gain independence from our parents. Brought on by trust, love, and joy our parents help us gain confidence in ourselves. Confidence that we can make good choices, that we deserve joy and happiness, and that we can succeed.

First date, first time meeting the family, first home together. Firsts as a couple are unique in that they are experienced with another individual simultaneously. Not one before the other or from their vantage point, but literally side by side. Someone you love, someone you choose to be with, a partner. The range of these firsts is pretty impressive too. From the first time you meet them to the first time you hold your own child, spouses experience so much through their commitment to one another. The intimacy of firsts with a spouse is something special and something to be cherished.

First day without, first holiday, first anniversary. I never thought I would be in this position, nor did I ever imagine all the firsts I would have to do by myself, without my partner. There is no development timeline, no Pic Collage template that prepares you for the firsts as a widow. The thought of going alone can be down right terrifying and depressing. You try to anticipate what people will say to you, what emotions you will experience, and wonder if the subsequent times will get easier.

I had some pretty big firsts this last weekend and I found myself talking about and remembering Chasen at those events.  The Marion County Cattlemen Banquet and Iowa Farm Bureau Young Farmers Conference were a big part of our lives. Events where we celebrated our passion and vocations, and made lifelong friends. This year was different, and I was thankful for the friends and family that embraced my attendance, even if I wasn't whole. Because somewhere in the stress of anticipating going to these events alone, I found happiness last week. True, beaming, warm happiness. It was brief and so strange, but I look forward to finding it again. 

In all the firsts that come your way, whether joyous or terrifying, try to find the luster, the shine, the beauty. The days are getting easier as I learn this life of a widow. I know someday I will find joy and happiness in the anticipation of firsts again, but it will take time. I continue to find comfort in the fact that Chasen was able to experience his first day with the Lord. And I look forward to hearing that story some day.

This Season of Life

Like the rest of the world I am a huge fan of Joanna Gaines. Watching her and Chip work together to serve others, fulfill their passions, and create a lifestyle for their families, all while having fun - who doesn't have that dream?! In her December issue of her magazine, Magnolia Journal she talked about the challenges of having their fifth child at age 40. The additional appointments, extra exhaustion as a mother of 4 already, lifestyle and business shifts, etc. Despite everything that was thrown in their lap with this unexpected surprise, she felt totally prepared for this season of their life. I believe that God is always trying to prepare us for the next season of life. Whether it brings significant change, wrenching heartache, or a wave of blessings, He is constantly preparing us for that moment. Let me share with you my perspective.

Growing up I was a huge tom boy. Like to the point where I wore husky style wranglers because those were the only pants that fit my middle school body and adorned them with ropers (I am literally cringing as I type this, so country!). I loved playing tractors with Chris, was a kick ball star at school, and even caught salamanders and toads and kept them as "pets". I struggled through this part of life - trying to find the happy medium between what I loved and what my friends were all doing. I found somewhat of a saving grace when I started FFA as a freshman and really found a place for myself, feeling comfortable in my own skin. But now looking back, I understand fully why I found joy in all those things that boys do. God was not preparing me to be an active FFA member, but now for life as a single mom with a son. Playing farm, making mud in the sandbox and rough housing during a game of football seem second nature to me. Instead of being embarrassed of my tomboy years as a child I have been given an opportunity to embrace them.

Fast forward to 2016 when we learned we were pregnant with Nolan. At the time I was at the crossroads every working mom experiences - balancing my passion, my career, and being a new mom. I took a leap of faith and started a new job fresh off maternity leave as a Financial Officer. With support from Chasen and all of my teammates I adjusted to the learning curve as best as a post partum mom could offer. Five months into my new job, we learned of Chasen's diagnosis. Without the support of my teammates and customers, I can't imagine what the last two years would have brought. I have no doubt that God placed that opportunity in my life at the perfect time.

A few weeks ago I was at a landowners meeting for work. I found myself sitting next to another widow. During lunch we began to talk about her farm and her relationship with her landowners. Then the conversation switched to me. I told her that I am planning to farm our farm this year, while working full time and raising our son. Her eyes filled with sadness then complete panic "How are you going to be able to do all of that?"  Well to be honest I don't really know, but I feel prepared for this season of life. From growing up on a farm, to my college years at Iowa State, to farming with Chasen, to learning from my customers, all with the help of amazing family and friends God has laid a strong foundation. I never thought I would find myself in this position, but I would like to think Chasen knew I would be prepared for this season of life.

If you find yourself in a difficult season of life, stop take time and reflect on how God has prepared you for this moment. Or on the flip side, trust that he is readying you for another season of life yet to come.  Losing Chasen at age 31 was a huge sacrifice to  all those that loved him. I often find myself in his absence reflecting, praying, asking how I am to move forward as a child of God. And at the end of the day, I find myself wanting to empower others to have courage and strength in their seasons of life.

During Chasen's cancer journey, Joshua 1:9 was a foundation to our faith. I've heard that pain should not be wasted, and I know He will not lead us astray. So whatever life may throw your way, strive to find the blessings in everything that happens to you.

The Gifts of Christmas

The Christmas season is filled with sights, sounds, smells, and full of memories. I have learned over the years that the meaning of Christmas has changed for me, in an organic sort of way. Christmas as a child was filled with wonder-Santa, elves, reindeer, and the manger scene. We would spend Christmas Eve at mass listening to the children’s choir sing tidings of joy, to rush home and find that Santa had arrived. We would spend the evening playing with toys and enjoying sweet treats. Christmas day was spent traveling to the Hosch and Knepper Christmases. We would bring our new toys to “show and tell”, but not share because we didn’t want them to be broken. More presents would be opened and additional sweet treats consumed. At that time of my life Christmas was understood as a season of “receiving”.

Over the course of the next few years I remember drawing names at various family events and using my hard-earned cash to buy gifts that no one really needed. It was fun buying gifts for family members and a thrill to participate in the next Secret Santa. But over time, the allure of the holiday craze began to fade. Was “gifting” all there was to Christmas? Sure, I went to church and celebrated the birth of Jesus, but the commercialization of Christmas was making me egg-nogged. Little did I know; the Christmas of 2015 would change everything for me.

The first year we were married we hosted a friends and family Christmas party at our home. We welcomed friends to our home to feast and enjoy a few libations. This tradition continued through the years and grew in attendance. I remember our 2015 Christmas party very well. An hour before our guests would show up Chasen began mixing drinks, “practicing” as he called it. Before I ordered my moscow mule, I decided I better take a pregnancy test, just to be sure. To my delight and utter surprise it showed a positive result. I took another. Same result. I ran the test to Chasen and we shared a brief moment of joy, then came up with a plan B for my drink for the evening. After our guests had gone home and the reality of our little blessing set in, we looked at Christmas in a new light. This Christmas we celebrated the gift of true “joy”.

Our first Christmas as a family of three was special. We smiled as Nolan looked at our Christmas tree with wonder. We spent lots of time in the car traveling to Christmases where he was spoiled with clothes, presents, and love.  I remember rocking Nolan to bed one-night listening to Christmas music-my favorite. When “Mary did you know” came on, I listened intently to the lyrics and burst into tears. Do you think she really knew? Was she aware at the point in time, filled with joy and happiness, the path that God laid out for her precious babe? I tried to put myself in Mary’s shoes. Holding this sweet boy of ours as he breathed in and out, I thought about his future. Yes I loved him, but I don’t think I could come close to the love Mary had for the son of God. To carry a child for nine months, birth him in a stable, and watch him die on the cross to save the lives of others. The Christmas of 2016 showed me the precious gift of “love”.

Shortly after that Christmas Chasen began to not feel like himself-continued weight loss, intensified back pain, and loss of appetite. Appointment after appointment, test after test, our fear and worry continued to grow. In March we learned that these were the side effects of Chasen’s cancer. Our world was shattered. How would we get through this dark period of time? Endure this pain? And that is when all of you came into play. With a remarkable Seeds of Hope benefit that April, we were filled with courage, love, and hope. Throughout that year we traveled to chemo appointments, endured a few surgeries and recoveries, and traveled out of the country to receive treatment. Time flew. As Christmas 2017 approached we felt that giving material gifts would bring little joy and meaning to our family. So instead we gave to the cancer families spending the Christmas season at the Ronald McDonald House and Hope Lodge of Iowa City. We were so blessed to sleep in the comfort of our homes during Chasen’ treatments and could not fathom being away from our family and farm. This Christmas I learned the true meaning of “giving”.

So where does that leave me for this Christmas season? The last few days Chasen was home with us, I spent time decorating the home to look and hopefully feel like a "normal" Christmas for us. Lights, glitter, and smells aside, it was not normal. As I put up the tree , the lights, and the glitter, I thought about when I would have to put everything away. I know now I will have to do it all alone, boxing up all decorations and finding a home for all the new toys. I realize our home on Christmas morning will feel very different. No doubt will there sadness, loneliness, and emptiness. But I hope I can find joy in the promise of the resurrection-the feat Jesus completed when he was born some 2000 years ago in a stable. The feat Chasen completed a few weeks ago-suffering, enduring, and rising from the dead. I have always "celebrated" the birth of Jesus during Christmas, but this year I can confidently say I am truly grateful for the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ and his resurrection, the gift of "promise".

Sometimes we don't always understand the plans the Lord has for us, and the path he has laid out for us can be difficult to travel. Thankfully we don't have to go it alone. With strength, courage, and love and support from others, we can face anything. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

A Season of Thanksgiving

Even in times of distress we have things to be thankful for.

Another holiday season is upon us. In the words of Luke Bryan “days go slow, but years go fast”. We have had our share of long days in the office, in the hospital, and in the field doing what we love this past year; but as we prepare for Thanksgiving with our boisterous two year old I can’t fathom where the time has gone.  

Have we had frustrations, trying times, and down right depressing moments this last year. You bet. But we also have so much to be grateful for: successful recoveries from Chasen's surgeries, a rock solid company that stands behind their employees, abundant support from family and friends, and loving memories from the past year to name a few

In everything I do, people ask me how Chasen is getting along. During one conversation with a customer, we began to talk about the outpouring of love and support at the Seeds of Hope benefit this last year.

“I came to the benefit because I wanted to support your family. You know Justine, that is what is wrong with the world. We have got away from people helping people through churches or mission work, and instead they have turned to the government and we are funding handouts through taxes.”

In my current and past job roles, I have heard many a complaint about paying taxes, but this was a new spin on a typical conversation and it got me thinking. The Lord did not put on us on this planet to wear the newest pair of Tony Llamas, or drive the newest King Ranch pickup, or buy 200 acres of ground every year. We were put on this earth solely to serve one another and to glorify God.

But humility is a funny thing. It can prevent us from asking for help, or even accepting help when offered. Why did God create the human with these two instinctive natures? How can we break this cycle? We have to actively look for opportunities and pray for acceptance.

This has been one of the biggest challenges for Chasen and I. We are such independent people that forge our own path, that asking for directions or help with a refuel is tough. But down this road we learned that we can't-nor do we have to- do everything alone.

When we are hit with hard news or face another uphill battle, those that seem to wear those boots, drive that truck, and buy that farm ground with no struggle or strife creep into my mind. And the “life’s not fair” wagon tries to pick me up and whisk me away. Where are their challenges? What pain do they experience? How is this fair? And although these thoughts are natural, because we are human, they can be so damaging to dwell on. 

For those that are in my shoes, do not be discouraged by the appearance of life of others. There will be those that struggle through life with disease, addiction, and financial insecurity. Rest assured "the others" will be the individuals that serve us and during our times of need. They will help carry our crosses.

For all of those who picked up our cross this past year, we cannot say it enough, thank you! Whether you helped out on the farm, wrote kind words to our family, delivered a hot meal, or kept us in your daily prayers, we are forever grateful. Are we going through a trying time in our young lives? Without a doubt. But have we had opportunities to be grateful, blessed, and thankful for the love and support of others? Absolutely.  

As Thanksgiving comes and goes and we prepare for the Christmas season I would ask for you to take an opportunity to serve others, whatever that may be. And those that are on the other side of the coin, allow others to serve you.

In sickness and in health

This year has held lots of milestones for my life together with Chasen. Five years of marriage, our sons first birthday, ten years of being a couple, and our first year of living with cancer. The stories, memories, tears we have shared over the last ten years could probably fill a book or two.

November 7 was our official ten year relationship anniversary. Its hard to believe that ten years ago a tall farm boy with dimples asked me out. It wasn't too long after that I knew he was the one I would share my vows with....I just didn't think it would take five years to get there (haha jk Chasen).  In all seriousness, when you are standing before God and the ones you love dearly you vow to love your significant other in good times and bad, in sickness and in health. This year, those words have never been more true.

Each of these experiences requires a different mindset and piece of one's heart. Now we are all human and we learn as we go. No one knows how to handle every situation, or always has the perfect answer. We just pray our spouse has the patience and an open heart to love us back.

I think we can all attest to a time or two where we really didn't "like" our spouse. Maybe alcohol was involved, or we spoke before we thought, or in my case got stuck in the snow three times in one winter. I mean it wasn't like I intentionally drove through the deepest part of a drift, or spun out until I was parked in the garden. (I should mention that it always happened late at night on my way home from a cattlemens banquet, when it was subzero temperatures.)

**For the record a front wheel drive Equinox is a glorified golf cart in the snow.

Anyway, now that I've stated my excuses, I dreaded making that phone call every time.
"Hi"
"Hi? Where are you at?"
"Um, you're not going to believe this, but I'm stuck in the front yard"
"Excuse me?"
"Ya in a snow drift"
Click.

The next minutes, which felt like hours entailed the truck being chained to my car, engines revving and snow flying.

After the snow and our frustrations melted the next morning we were able to keep on loving each other. Every relationship has its strains, and we have been blessed ours have been trivial matters.

This past fall I was lucky enough to have the flu bug twice within three weeks. I mean, seriously?? Having the flu as an adult is painful, having the flu as a parent is agonizing... Mom's you know what I'm talking about.

Lucky for me, my knight in shining armor was able to pull through. As he played with Nolan on the floor, brought me a sprite, and took Nolan trick or treating, I realized how helpless I felt. I wanted to play my role as a mother and wife, but my chills and screaming headache immobilized me to the couch. 

Although it would seem he was playing his role as a dad and husband, my heart was full.

Love when life is good and healthy is easy, fun, and carefree. However my experience has been loving one another during the not so fun times is more powerful, deeper, authentic. However it doesn't come easy. Sometimes it is really easy to get caught up in the moment and forget the blessings that we have shared and overlook the gifts that God continually offers us. This stage of love takes effort, patience, and humility.  Being human, we are no where close to having it perfected, but that is what I'm looking forward to over the next ten years. 

Find the good

Find the Good

Within the last year Chasen and I have become fans of Chip and Joanna Gaines and their HGTV series Fixer Upper. But in all honesty who has not? Their ability to transform old homes into their client’s dreams, while keeping their family values in check is inspiring to many. Plus Chip’s antics and jokes can guarantee a good chuckle or two. As a result of our obsession, I purchased their book The Magnolia Story. After sitting on the shelf for months, I finally had an opportunity to crack it open during our stay at Mercy back in May.  

In the book, Chip and Joanna share the ups and downs of their business and the process of flipping homes. One night in the manic of raising a family and running their business, Joanna realized that she needed to make the switch from survival mode and embrace the crazy life they were living. In other words make the transition to “thrive instead of survive”. This quote has found a way into my heart and mindset over the past few months. Yes, I will admit there are some tough days, where the light at the tunnel seems to not exist and it is a struggle to get through the day. But I have realized that staying under the dark cloud too long blinds one from the joys, happiness, and hope that life can bring. Unfortunately we cannot push rewind on our days, and the weeks pass all too quickly. In switching from surviving to thriving, I have learned to embrace the path God has sent us down and to find the good in every day. Most of the time, the good comes from those around us.

I first met Matthew Burt during his freshman year of college. He was one of my mentees in the Animal Science peer mentor program. Since then, we would run into each other every now and then. I always thought highly of Matthew – probably influenced by the fact that he was a regular at the scheduled mentee-mentor meetings. Later come to find out, it was because I always brought pizza, ha! In all seriousness, over the years I have enjoyed sharing a beer and a conversation with Matthew. Last weekend at the first ISU football game, I thought it was just another beer. But a text from Matthew yesterday proved me wrong. 

Matthew, an avid biker, was gearing up for a 200-mile ride this upcoming weekend. After visiting with our family at the tailgate, he was looking for a way to do some good. Matthew wanted to dedicate his 200-mile ride to Chasen and his battle with cancer, seeking pledges and contributions along the way. Matthew saw it as a way to inspire, encourage and push him to reach his 200-mile goal. 

"Whenever I meet the Stevenson's they ask me how I am doing and how life is on my family farm. It is because of their kindness to me and others that I am so interested in raising money for Chasen's fight. It's not what they have said or done necessarily, but how they have made me feel. I always feel better after seeing them." 

Simply speechless....

Although our cancer journey is just getting started, we have been absolutely humbled by the good graces of family, friends, community members, and even strangers. I have said from the beginning of our cancer journey, God bless small towns and agriculture. These two blessings have provided us one heck of a support network, one that continues to give, continues to push. I cannot imagine going through this journey without one or the other.

When I first told my sister about Matthew’s 200-mile ride, she questioned if that was even physically possible to do in one day. To give some perspective, it is 180 miles from our house to Cascade and a 2.5 hour car ride. To even fathom the energy and perseverance it will take to complete this feat is a struggle. However, I have full faith in Matthew completing this feat. 

As we get closer to Sunday, I hope Matthew’s ride finds a way to inspire you. Whether you send supplies to the areas hit by hurricanes, take your family for a bike ride, or reach out to someone you know is hurting, find a way to do some good. Find a way to help others thrive. We all know that cancer sucks, no doubt about it. However, in trying to find the silver lining, our eyes and our hearts have been exposed to the love, hope, and support of those around us as we continue to fight Chasen’s cancer. And from that perspective, what an amazing blessing we have received.

If you want to follow along on Matthew’s ride, you can find more information on the Facebook event he created by clicking here. Safe travels Matthew and God bless!

Angels everywhere

Lately its been hard for me to put my thoughts to words, but this story is too special to keep for our hearts only.

For those of you that know Chasen and I, you know that we LOVE the Iowa State Fair. We love the food, the entertainment, the livestock shows, the ice cold beer at Stockmans, and most importantly the reunion it creates for family and friends. Since we started dating I bet we have averaged 6 days of fair going, easily. We love the state fair so much that last year I went into labor during the state fair. I told you, we love the fair!

As the state fair rolled closer we began to talk about and plan how state fair would be this year. We knew that Chasen would be fatigued from the treatment he received in Mexico City at the end of July. And as a result, we would need an aggressive parking plan, options for an afternoon snooze, and  likely on grounds transportation. It would be a different fair experience, but we could definitely make it work.

With a camper lined out, I began searching Craigslist for a motorized scooter. There just happened to be a guy in Ottumwa that flipped scooters-refurbished used ones and priced them to sell. It was the perfect scenario and a short drive, but unfortunately we weren't the only ones with the brilliant idea to purchase a scooter for the fair. In the last week he had sold 20, bringing his inventory to a flat 0. I broadened my search and came across one for sale in Cedar Rapids. It was an elderly lady that was offering her late husband's scooter for $600. We visited a bit about the scooter and I arranged for my sister's boyfriend to go check it out later that night.

At about 6 that evening I get a call from my sister, "I am probably going to make you cry." Selfishly I thought to myself, the scooter was already sold by time Beau had got there, or it had electrical problems and he decided not to purchase it. I could never have guessed the news that she had to share.

The lady wanted to give us the scooter for free.  In fact she wouldn't accept any money for it.  Because it was her late husband's she was having a hard time parting with it (he passed away last July). She told Beau that she had prayed to God for the last two weeks that someone that desperately needed the scooter would find it. Once she heard our story, she felt in her heart this is what she needed to do.

God bless her and her broken heart.

At the begining of our cancer journey we had close friends tell us that it would be a beautiful experience. They weren't talking about the trips to the doctors office, or the infusions, or the side effects of the drugs, or the sleepless nights. They were talking about the hope, and love, and generosity we would receive from our friends, family, community, and even strangers. We continue to be humbled by all the support we have received.

God has a funny way of working, as the old saying goes. Just when it feels the wheels are about to fall off, suddenly the road ahead clears up so we can start to move forward again. Every day we realize the blessings that God has put in our life, large or small. We are eternally grateful for those that continue to pray for our family, whether we know them or not, the power of prayer is simply amazing.

Do you believe in signs

When I was in 7th grade our science class spent six weeks learning about songbirds. Yes you read that right. Calls, flight patterns, you name it, we were tested on it. One of our projects in particular was monitoring several bluebird nests during the spring. My grandma Millie drove our group along the North Cascade Road stopping every few miles to check a birdhouse. We held our breath as we opened the side praying a snake would not fall out. After checking the nest, or lack thereof, we would shuffle back to the car, and write our observations as we listened to bird calls on cassette. "The bobwhite.... bob-whiiiiiiiite, bob-whiiiiiiiite".

... I know Nolan will read this one day and I will have to explain to him what a cassette tape is and it makes me cringe. I now know how my parents felt about eight track tapes..

At the time I thought our science teacher was clinically insane. But in retrospect, I am glad we spent time learning about songbirds. I appreciate the fact I can pick out the call of red winged blackbird as I hoe the garden or recognize the difference between a bluebird and a blue jay as they nest in our pine grove.

I also know that when you see a goldfinch, you should consider yourself lucky. The goldfinch is the state bird for Iowa; if you ask Chasen he would say it's the hawkeye.

My grandma Millie loved songbirds too. I remember she would get so excited if a goldfinch was at her feeder or sitting in the lilac bush behind dad's house. Something about seeing that vibrant yellow bird can bring joy on the darkest of days.

I have been lucky to see a goldfinch a time or two in our yard, sometimes a male and a female. But last Saturday was something special. There were at least 30 goldfinches in our backyard. There were so many they looked like dandelions scattered across the lawn. I simply could not believe my eyes! I took a few Snapchat videos and called Chasen to come look. Needless to say my friends probably think I'm 95 and Chasen was less than impressed. Giddy as a school girl I went to grab Nolan to show him but when I got back, they had all disappeared. Shoot, this avian lesson will have to wait another day.

Soon I got a Snapmessage from a friend saying that goldfinches are a good sign, so I began to do some research. Post-biblical legend developed about the goldfinch saying they were a witness to the humiliating march of Jesus carrying the cross to Golgotha. It's natural diet of thorns and thistles is also enlisted in the details of the tale, to emphasize that in the tragedy of Jesus’ torture and execution that even animals bore witness. In ancient European art goldfinches were used to represent the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. The site also talked about goldfinches being a sign of recovery from illness, the raising up of a person out of their sick-bed.

So I ask you, do you believe in signs? I find myself finding hope and joy in simple tasks of every day life. Maybe it is because I am seeking them out or they are signs from God and loved ones watching over us. Either way I am so thankful for my faith and the blessings it shares.

The best we can

Last Friday night I sat in the Dyer Hudson Hall kitchen trying to feed Nolan some unappetizing itty bitty chicken noodle dinner prepared by Gerber. I have heard baby food has come a long way since I was born, but I honestly don't even know if Rex would have ate what was in that cup. After coming to this realization, I folded and resorted to a bottle. You see, right now we are at that transition from baby to little boy. There are thousands of books, blogs, and resources that talk about making this transition seamless. Try one new food a week, offer cereals first, don't feed egg whites, etc. No way is perfect, but I believe as parents we all do the best we can.

As I was sitting in the kitchen, I could feel the space get smaller as the crowd at our Seeds of Hope benefit grew bigger. As I held our baby boy I tried to process why we were even here in the first place... Is my husband really sick? Are these people all here because of us? Did I just see someone from my high school? Is this really happening?!

Even though it was going to be tough, I knew I needed to do a better job embracing the love and hope that was gathering for our family. So I put the bottle down, got up and walked out. I greeted, I hugged, I cried, I laughed, and I repeated. By no means did I get to everyone that came, but I tried my best.

Friday was truly one of the most remarkable nights of my life. We were so overwhelmed by the number of people that gathered at Dyer Hudson; some say it was over 1,000. All I know is that we were over fire code. Simply put, if we could capture the love, kindness, and hope in that wood paneled hall, there is no doubt we could change the world.

We go through life meeting folks through work, school, leadership roles, and the occasional night out. We try our best to be kind, be humble, be honest, and to be a good person when meeting people. Never did we expect those acquaintances to give back to us in such a way. With humility and God's grace we are embracing all the feels from Friday night.

Even yet, there are no words, no emotions, or no hugs big enough to thank our friends, our family and our community. But I am going to try my best.

To those that traveled hours to be with us, I want you to know every mile was worth it. Thank you to everyone that donated auction items. Your generosity brought joy and excitement to the room. Those that bid on the auction items, whether successful or not, thank you for your financial support. To the volunteers and organizers, we are eternally grateful for your support now and always. Finally, thank you to our close friends and family, your unconditional love is inspiring.

You all did the best you could last Friday evening, and we are forever grateful. Encouraging us to keep pushing and searching for answers, supporting our family through the auction, keeping our family in your prayers, and most importantly offering hope. Thank you sincerely from the bottom of our oh so full hearts.

The game of life

I originally started this blog back while in graduate school as an effort to share my story. That's where the farmers gal originated from. Experiences on the farm, trial and error in the lab, or new beef recipes shared with family, friends, and anyone willing to learn something new or have a good chuckle. A lot of things have changed in my life in the past five years. My bound thesis along with my diploma now sits on the shelf collecting dust. The engagement ring that adorned my finger now carries a wedding band every day. And our family of 2.5-yes Roxie is included-has now grown to 3.5 with the birth of our son Nolan this past August. It is hard to fathom that five years have gone by since my last post.

They say that pictures are worth a thousand words, but what about capturing your thoughts, doubts, fears, hopes, and dreams through writing. I could kick myself for not keeping up with the past-time of blogging. Looking back, I missed out on sharing the joys, laughter, and memories of the last half decade...a half decade?!?! (I still can't believe it). But as we know life doesn’t slow down, life shows no pity or remorse, and offers no redos. In the words of Tracy Lawrence, time marches on.

At this time of my life I am not even sure writing will help portray the thousands of thoughts fleeting through my brain, but I am going to try my best. It's been a little over a month since we learned Chasen was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Remember those 15 consecutive days of cloud cover in March?? Ya that's when we found out, talk about a sign from above. Those were definitely some dark days, but we know the sun will shine again. Since that time we have started Chasen's treatment plan but we continue to search for answers and hope for healing.

Cancer was a card we were certainly not prepared for at this time of our lives, the joker in the deck. But knowing that God holds the cards, we pray. We ask for strength, we ask for courage, we ask for patience, and we ask for humility. We give thanks for the days we are able to spend with each other and for the love and support from family, friends, and strangers. We ask for forgiveness. We ask for Gods mercy.

I have prayed for many things in my life - to pass an exam, get a new job offer, even to avoid a speeding ticket. Looking back some of my prayer requests were quite petty, and I know I am going to have to go all in on this one.

Tomorrow our friends, family, and community will rally to support Chasen and our fight against cancer. We pray that God will be with everyone as they travel and that we can lift up Chasen, sewing seeds of hope. We are far from folding, but realize it will be a rough road ahead. The way I see it, it will be just another chapter of our story.

what in the heck i have been up to

Hello fellow blog followers, long time no read!  Unfortunately for me, I have been doing plenty of reading, writing, and thank goodness, much more exciting things.  I apologize for the lack in my blogging skills over the last month, but I have to be honest, I have been one busy woman!! I decided to add pictures of my accomplishments to this post so you too can see just how busy of a bee I have been.

One of the most important things I have been doing  over the past few weeks is finishing up writing my thesis.  I am currently at 144 PAGES of diagrams, materials and methods, literature review, and statistical analysis...yuck!!  These last few days have really been crunch time for me as I defend my research on the 21st.  On top of writing and preparing for my masters defense, I have also been practicing for the Reciprocal Meats Conference masters student poster competition as well as writing reports for the annual Nebraska Beef Report.  Now I know as exciting as all of these things sound, I thought I would spare myself as well as you the sight of all this jargon. 

Now on to more exciting things!  Chasen and I have planted a fairly successful garden; despite the lack of rain this summer.  We have planted green and red onions, peas, peppers, green beans (4 rows!!!), tomatoes, squash, sweet potatoes, romain lettuce, and of course watermelon!! I am so excited to have fresh produce this summer.  I love to eat out of the garden!  At one of my bridal showers I was given the gift of a pressure cooker, which I am extremely excited to use!  I also hope to make lots of homemade salsa, and pies/jam from our apple and pear trees! Yum!!

(Guess I should have taken a picture from the east side.  This photo doesn't exactly exemplify my hoe-ing abilities.) 

On the north side of the garden we also have a patch of sweet corn that has taken off. We strategically planted the corn so we have some ready right after the wedding and then again after state fair/wedding season has come to an end. Did I mention we have 7 weddings this summer.  It truly is a year of mass nuptials! 

In a few weeks, it looks like we are going to have to get our coon fence up. Roxie isn't the best guard dog.

I have utilized my green thumb further yet by planting lots and lots of hosta, mums, sedum, gladiolus and much more "farm flowers" as I like to call them.  I love love love the big pine trees we have around the house.  But I hate hate hate mowing underneath them/getting decapitated weekly.  Flowers are prettier anyway :)

Aside from school work, gardening, and other uses of my green thumb, I have found time to use my "wedding thumb".  In the last few weeks I had my hair and makeup trial, first dress fitting, met with the photographer and florist, and most importantly finished my brooch bouquet.  I would have liked to include a picture of my hair/dress but I want everyone to be surprised :)  The picture below of my bouquet does not do it justice!!  It is so beautiful! And heavy!!  I should have Holly start lifting weights ASAP.

On the wedding note, I also had my final two bridal showers in May.  I cannot begin to explain how fun each shower was and how much I enjoyed getting all the ladies together for brunch, especially the mimosas!  We are so blessed to have such caring women in our lives!

Moving to the farm side of things, in the last month we have finished planting crops, baled hay, vaccinated calves, and bred cows (didn't think you wanted to see a picture of this either).  The weather sure has been cooperative for a majority of the work done, but like the majority of the Midwest we keep praying for rain!  Needless to say we have been busy, busy, busy.  During this time Roxie has had many a four wheeler/ranger rides!  It cracks me up how cute she looks in this photo.

Most importantly over the past few weeks I have been living this wonderful life God has blessed me with.  I have spent lots of time with family and friends and will cherish the many memories that are here and yet to come for the summer of 2012.

Until next time....hopefully its less than a month :)